Got Weeds? Sow Anyway

September 24, 2008

“Oooh, you’re in big trouble now. Trying to make a comeback…talking all this ‘rebirth’ stuff. Look at the mess you’ve made!”

I don’t share my negative thoughts here to give them any importance, energy, or truth. I share them, because I know I’m not the only one in the sphere who’s thought them…made mistakes, and is sometimes challenged when it comes to being gentle with yourself…sound familiar?

But truth be told? I did jack things up :-\.

Nobody told me a change of heart would be easy. Neither the change in and of itself, or the consequences that would surely follow. Especially since I had gone pretty far down my road to the end. All I know is (now), it was the right decision not to leave here, and I’m very grateful to God, family, and friends for the support.

Now. Let’s talk consequences and clean-up. Today, we’ll be visiting the finance department.

Ever since my decision two years ago, my financial integrity has been shot. Jacked up. Non-existent. How can I put this? When you’re busy planning the perfect death (that won’t look like a suicide), making provisions for your girl to be the replacement wife/mother (what madness!, we don’t even speak anymore lol…bad choices all around), and preparing for final rest arrangements…the LAST thing on your mind is paying bills. For what? Any of them…taxes, student loans, credit cards. Right. All I knew back then was — escape the pain…nuff of that.

So, now as I’m rebuilding my life, some of that stuff has come back with a vengeance. There’s no denial in me…I must pay, and keep my promise. I want my financial integrity back. But, doggone it an $800 out-of-the-blue hit to the monthly budget would cause anyone to have a fit…what the?

When I got the letter recently…yeah, of course my jaw dropped. But also with that came my invitation to the party. “The Pity Party will begin in 10 minutes!” Man, for a few moments…I wished I hadn’t, I wished I could’ve choosen differently, oh if only I had, it’s all my fault…yada yada yada through the tears. And there began the battle…the fight for Truth. Here ye here ye…I had not come this far to stick my head in the dirt of my mess!! Let it get the best of me. If God was able to bring me back, He’s able to care and provide for me where I am. So that’s that. I’m hoping and praying hard for negotiations, lenience, and understanding.

What’s all this got to do with weeds? Well, that’s just what some circumstances are…weeds. They spring up not only to drain resources from the LIFE of your garden (that’s right, your efforts and hard work are harvesting LIFE, my friends), but they also come to discourage the sowing! Ever look around and say, “I just pulled up weeds…and they’re back already?!”

I won’t lie and claim it’s easy…cos it ain’t. But no matter what comes at you, resulting from your own actions or not, don’t ever stop sowing! Work the baby steps & accentuate your positives. You keep putting those seeds in the ground…keep pushing for your goals, dreams, keep working those plans, keep making your comeback *wink*…no matter how many weeds sprout up waving at you.

I believe the harder we keep trying, pity parties will be replaced with celebrations for a harvest we had no idea was possible. Ashe.Selah

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WIFIS: Point Two

August 15, 2008

the shortest distance
between two points
would be a straight line
if only i knew at some point
which point
makes two.

(c) 2008. Ashe.Selah

{Blink}

July 22, 2008

to {blink}
or not to {blink}
is rather irrelevant
given the evaporating nature
of this substance called Life.
it is irrelevant due to
the limitations
not of our energy
which is neither uncreated
nor destroyed
but of our
stories now playing
in this or that form
this side of forever.

to {blink}
or not to {blink}
is neither the question
that stumps the inevitable
nor the answer
that trumps the unknown.

the real question and answer
suspended in immediate jeopardy
is this…
“how will we live life
within the span
of the blink?”

to {blink}
or not to {blink}
is rather irrelevant because
whether you do not
you will
and whether you do
Life foreknew
you would.

so why not just
Live?

Copyright (c) 2008. Ashe.Selah. All rights reserved.

Nah, you moved, go back to start!

Picture it. My ‘hood back in the day on a hot summer’s afternoon. A street filled with 30 or so youngins of all ages…some barefoot, some shirtless…all of us in ‘play clothes’ (Mamas didn’t play messin’ up our good clothes from KMart…at least my Mama didn’t lol)….everybody creeping, tip-toeing, or speed walking towards the kid lucky enough to be the ‘light’. The one who spun around in a circle saying red light, green light, red light, green light….till they felt like saying Stop!! And if you so much as moved a muscle, giggled, sneezed, scratched lol…you were o-u-t out. But! Be the first one to reach the ‘light’, and not only did you win the game, you’re the new ‘light’!

Ahh the pure and simple fun of outdoor childhood games. Kids these days have no idea how fun these games are (I would play them today)…hide-n-go-seek, red rover, stick ball, kickball, tag, four-square…I know there are some other thirty-somethings out there that can feel me..just wave your hand *smile*.

For me though, red light, green light hasn’t ‘stopped’ just because I’m no longer in ponytails and jelly sandals lol. No, red light, green light is on another level now. A game I must play alone…for a ‘Light’ only I can win…with God calling all the ‘stops’.

Lately during my life’s red light, green light, I’ve made some great progress, having advanced closer to my Light (purpose…destiny) than on previous trips coming back from start…go girl! However (uh oh), within the past couple of weeks, I’ve been hearing His emphatic whisper — Stop!! Huh?

Let me be clear. When God announces ‘Stop!!’, He’s not trying to impede or obstruct our progress. He wants nothing more than for us to reach the ‘Light’ He has purposed for us. Thoughts and plans for our good, not harm, right?. So, when He stops me cold in my tracks – it’s not my progress that needs checking per se , it’s how I’m moving…my methods, means, mindsets, and patterns. And the ‘special’ part is…it’s probably something I already thought I had checked.

STOP!!

In the spirit of the game, I thought I was being still, till I noticed I was standing in an ant bed (hot situations I allow myself to get in)…AND a bee started flying overhead lol (people we allow to distract us from our true self and purpose). Attention on the word allow. So, I moved (oops), and got called back to start after all that progress! Daggone it…Boo!

STOP!! complaining about how people use you, when you give more and accept less — (powie!)
STOP!! letting the thoughts and perceptions of ‘folk’ define you, motivate you, drive your decisions (splatt!)
STOP!! forgetting how totally fabulous you are, and how crazy I AM about you (boom!)
STOP!! avoiding that fear of abandonment…recognize it, deal with it, rip it out from its roots (wow Father, going for the jugular are we?).
STOP!! putting so much trust in hu-man, when I AM the only One who can say “I’ll NEVER leave u NOR let u down” and it’s actually true (whamm!)

I read these sentences in A Course in Miracles and agreed, “Trials are but lessons that you failed to learn presented once again, so where you made a faulty choice before, you now can make a better one, and thus escape all pain that what you chose before has brought to you. In every difficulty, all distress, and each perplexity, Christ calls to you and gently says, My brother, choose again. He would not leave one source of pain unhealed, nor any image left to veil the truth.”

The great thing about Stop!! is that I get to START!! again…how cool and gracious it is to get another chance to make the best choice.  This time with the knowledge and experience of some hard knocks to remind me and cheer me along the way to my beautiful ‘Light’. Ashe.Selah