Freedom Neophyte

June 6, 2009

I’ve watched him for years now, unnoticed…cloaked by the height and privacy of my rear deck.  Sometimes, I catch a glimpse of him while pulling into the driveway.  Other times through half-drawn blinds while rinsing a cup or bowl at the kitchen sink.   It wasn’t like I was spying the other day.  Things are just — different now.  Noticeably.  And something about him was mysterious, yet strangely familiar.  He seemed awkward, confused, almost lost, but in a drunken ecstatic sort of way, like he’d sprung a leak, and couldn’t quite keep the happy drops from squirting out.  I actually felt my heart smile for him — and I don’t even really like dogs.

His name is Redd. His former name is “the black and white dog tied up behind the house”.  He’s held that title for the past three and a half years…until last week, when our neighbors installed a fence, and let old Redd roam free.

The day I saw him, I thought he was choaking on something.  He was staggering around the fence, jerking…and then, he just fell out in the grass, rolling, tossing and turning.  And I thought…

Maybe he had never felt that patch of grass before.  Did that old, mean, rusty chain ever allow him to reach that far?  Funny.  I stood there watching him wiggle and roll, and it didn’t take long before I saw something else — Me.

Have you ever experienced any type of lock down, bondage, stronghold?  Ever been stuck on stuck?  Whether it’s a dead end job that stifled your creativity…an unhealthy relationship you wanted out of, but insanely craved more…ever had a vice, a character flaw that was sure to break you before you broke it? And then, one day, without notice or warning — Freedom arrives and sweeps you off your feet.

Man, have I been there…’bout as long as I can remember Redd and that old rusty chain.  But, thanks be to God — I am newly free.  Me and Redd lol.  Neophytes of Freedom (I’ll save maintaining freedom for another post).

I couldn’t help but wonder…if people see me, like I saw Redd that day.  “She’s different now…awkward….weird…kinda goofy happy LOL!”  Yeah, I’m rocking all of that and more.  We can share, write about a journey all day, but it’s virtually impossible for others to fully grasp its impact — if they haven’t lived it, felt it for themselves…for real.

For now, I’m enjoying this year of “reboot“, with all its challenges and lessons learned thus far (is it really June already?).  And every time I look out back and see Redd, I’ll probably smile, remembering how far we’ve come.  I don’t speak dog, Redd, but I’m happy for ya…Freedom feels so good to me too :-)!

asheselah

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WIFIS: The Other Side of In

September 10, 2008

inside,
looking outside in
i slither up
to the fragile glass of my past
without it even knowing
encroach upon its broken borders
in the still of the morning
scraping up the courage to strike
the last of the hairline
fractures of Freedom
leading to the other side
of In.

outside,
looking inside out
i know you can see me
hear my gut-wrenching cries
feel my desperation
urging you to realize
we’re much closer than you know
and when we deal fear its final blow
the other side of In
lies just beyond the window of opportunity
called Now.

copyright (c) 2008. Ashe.Selah