Bittersweet.  That’s one word that comes to mind.  Another is metathesiophobia.  Though, that big, SAT word didn’t really come to mind, as much as to my fingertips as I googled “fear of change”.  But that’s what the time has come to do :).  It’s time for a change.

Isn’t that what I started this blog to do back in Dec 2006….rebirth=change?   And after a few years of some serious rollercoaster dips, i.e. ups and downs, sunshine and rain, health and illness, laughter and tears…in front of an audience of some very cool blog peeps, I am grateful to announce “Mission Accomplished!”

Growth, survival, healing, improvement…couldn’t have done it without my ashe.selah blog.  Sometimes, you need a platform to let it all hang out, stand right there butt-naked before the masses, who quite frankly, have looked, felt, experienced the same joys, pains, and challenges.  You all have made the difference, and helped me to know…I wasn’t butt-naked alone lol.

And now, the final piece comes off – my mask.  I’m moving on to the next stage of life’s journey…being cool with my new, true self.   How ’bout that one LOL!  It’s more than a notion, folks, but a journey’s that calling me away, calling me forward — to me.  There’s no telling where the manuscript/book will go now.  One thing’s for sure, it’s gonna be an interesting new ride AND read!

Thank you…for every cheer, constructive criticism, laugh, and prayer!  I am so much the better for it.  With this door closed, I hope you’ll join me for ‘once upon a time’, and knock on my new door from time to time.  Looking forward to doing the same…Love be in and live through U…and so it is, Amen!

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Good Job!

February 2, 2010

sometimes
all it takes
is the freedom
to get some things
off your chest,
out of your head…right?
you’re able to breath freer
see clearer
unclogged and open
thoughts smoking
eucalyptus
as your tongue cools
from the tasty sensation of words
floating on peppermint patties.
makes all the difference
in the world, huh?

cool. 
i’m glad you found a way
to rip all those words
off your chest.
not only do you feel better,
you look better too.
good job!

now, i have to go.
return to my
regularly scheduled program
of carefully removing
the shards of your words
lodged deep in my heart.

if i don’t
there’ll be no more room
for next time,
right?
good job!

© 2010. ashe.selah

Need I Say More?

November 13, 2009

nano_participant_redSo, the mad ashe.selah comeback and re-org is still on hold, while I crank out words faster than the government cut checks to Haliburton during the Iraq War.  My first ever ever NaNoWriMo is in full effect.  Last week, I was above quota.  This week, esp. having celebrated a birthday yesterday (yayah!), the newbie is down 4K words.  But that’s ok.  I’m on vacation, and I’ve got some me time to try and put a dent in 10K words by the end of the weekend.  Ooh she’s so ambitious lol!

Anywho, I’m having a ball, I think.  No, I am.  I haven’t written this many words in the two years of deciding to write a book.  There.  I said it…don’t shake your head lol.  It’s been part content, part analidity (I made that word up).  My internal editor is a wicked perfectionist, and I’ve been ruthlessly mocking her – dangling participles in front of her sneering eyes, hanging the moon in previously sun-filled scenes.  She’s going crazy, but she’ll be okay.  Like the story goes – December is for editing…that’s when I’ll let her out to play.  Right now, output is all I need to care about.

Speaking of which…back to my 17K present, in search of the 50K finish line.  Love to all, hope you’re doing well :)!

Mmm, mm, mm…

August 17, 2009

*shakes head*

…it’s been how long? man, what’s up with that?! A shame :).

I miss this place. I miss you…yeah, the one with the eyeballs LOL! If I could get a dollar for all my posts in draft right now, I’d have a sa-weet dinner out :).

But life’s stupid busy right now. Hope you’re following my random tweets (look to the right)…140 characters is all I have time to bang out sometimes, with the book taking many creative turns. Oh, and there’s also been some interesting new life angst. Let’s just put it like this…my world and ashe.selah’s world have finally collided after what?…2-3 years. Was bound to happen, right? And who didn’t have a plan for…I came, I healed, I conquered….now what? Us lol! It’ll make sense later, after I figure out whether to destroy the mask, or seal the crack.

Soooo, let’s see *laughter*. I dunno what to say, but this randomly vague thought dump feels good in here. Funny. It only takes a toe dip to make the whole body quiver, pinky toes ok. Thanks for the splash, blog friends.

Hey, did I tell ya……i miss this place. i miss U!

asheselah

I think I’ve always been an overachiever.   There’s nothing I couldn’t do, and nothing you could do to convince me otherwise.  I always had to be in the know, always strived for 1st place, and for me, ninety-nine in a half just wouldn’t do.

Til this Father’s Day weekend, when my “always” met “sometimes”.

Sometimes, winning is overrated.  Sometimes, negativity is a good thing.  Sometimes, you don’t have to be on top (err lol?).  I mean really.  Who wants to pass every test?! LOL!

Since surgery last month, everything’s come back to normal.  Back on my feet, walking faster than .2 mph, voice came back, back to work, back to driving, back to intimacy….Everything came back in it’s proper time….EXCEPT *eyeballs calendar*?

I run like clockwork.  Never late in the past 11 years. Must’ve been stress from the surgery, right?  Well, umm, let’s see.  Hubby and I have been in straight up celebration lol — and with good reason.  All was benign, our worse concerns never materialized, plus, this is the year of my rebirth…I’m back with a vengeance.  I’m fresh, free, fab, fierce…in ev-er-y intricate and intimate way.  So thankful for newness in mind and spirit.  Hubby’s prayed for years for this woman to arrive, and now that she’s here…guess we both can’t get enough.

*Insert tire screech*

But weeks were passing by…no little friend lol, but enough fatigue, nausea, and panic in both of us to fill a football stadium.  Man, 40 can almost reach out and grab me…what the world?!  Lawd, please…kids in middle school now….delivery, diapers, daycare, again?  And our cute heart tat doesn’t have room for another initial lol!

OMGosh, I wish I could have been with hubby when he bought the pregnancy test (1st time ever).  He’s so cool, I know it must’ve been hard (and hilarious) for him to ask for help.  The lady told him, “Buy this one, it’s really accurate.  Don’t spend alot of money, they’re all the same.” (OK, umm, being an expert in pregnancy tests…is that a good thing lol?)

how stuff worksSo, I’m in the bathroom, gotta big fat negative, and where’s hubby?  In the bed ’bout to throwup LOL!  I tease him, “Well, looks like you’re gonna have an even bigger Father’s Day…”  “Oh no, for real?!  Stop playin’…for real?!  OMG.”  I would have kept it going, but I burst into laughter (see, he always gets me like this with his “jokes”).  “Yeah.  Bigger.  But not because I’m pregnant…”  “Ahh man…Aye, girl…you play too much!!”  I was dying laughing…till I kept feeling super fatigued and nauseated.

After another friendless week…nerves shot (am I that 1% to receive a false negative),  light weight gain, and a doctor-administered pregnancy test scheduled for next week, we’re having a really swell Father’s Day weekend *smile*.  Ladies, I’ve never been so relieved like this to see her…like ever.

Does this call for a celebration too?!  *Rolls eyes*  “I don’t think so…”

asheselah

Can’t TRUST This!

June 17, 2009

Trust is earned.  You can’t just go handing it out all willy nilly like a bowl of dinner mints.  Trust has to mean something.  It has to make sense.  Otherwise, it’s just comedy.

I don’t know where (or why) my mind started down this path…I was probably cracking a joke (#1) and came to the conclusion — nah can’t trust that lol.  And now I have this offbeat list…all for fun.  Feel free to add to it, question my motives, or second that emotion :).

CAN’T TRUST THIS (Da na na na)!

  1. A dentist with cavities
  2. A blind gynecologist
  3. Dick Chaney
  4. A bank president with a 520 personal credit score
  5. A pre-opened parachute
  6. Cheesecake with zero transfat
  7. Whoopings that hurt the parent more than the child (and I’m a parent)
  8. “You’re going to feel a tiny prick”…before blood work
  9. Pharmaceuticals that address 1 symptom, but “may cause heart attack, stroke, nausea, migraines, stomach ulcers, in-grown toenails, and death — only in rare cases.”
  10. Single friends who tell married friends, “I wouldn’t put up with that…you oughtta leave him/her.”
  11. Cops who pull over ambulances with patients
  12. Hotel wake-up calls before a big meeting
  13. A politician with a criminal record
  14. Drinking water recycled from waste water
  15. Management that passes my knowledge/work off as their own
  16. A sharp shooter with one glass eye
  17. A vet who’s allergic to dander
  18. Financial counselors facing foreclosure
  19. Mortgage loans with “no hidden fees”
  20. The scale in my bathroom lol
  21. A chef/cook with dirty fingernails
  22. Fast talking car salesmen with wet armpits
  23. E-purchasers from Nigeria using PayPal
  24. Buffet bars without adequate glass shields
  25. 1-ply tissue
  26. {your turn}

Freedom Neophyte

June 6, 2009

I’ve watched him for years now, unnoticed…cloaked by the height and privacy of my rear deck.  Sometimes, I catch a glimpse of him while pulling into the driveway.  Other times through half-drawn blinds while rinsing a cup or bowl at the kitchen sink.   It wasn’t like I was spying the other day.  Things are just — different now.  Noticeably.  And something about him was mysterious, yet strangely familiar.  He seemed awkward, confused, almost lost, but in a drunken ecstatic sort of way, like he’d sprung a leak, and couldn’t quite keep the happy drops from squirting out.  I actually felt my heart smile for him — and I don’t even really like dogs.

His name is Redd. His former name is “the black and white dog tied up behind the house”.  He’s held that title for the past three and a half years…until last week, when our neighbors installed a fence, and let old Redd roam free.

The day I saw him, I thought he was choaking on something.  He was staggering around the fence, jerking…and then, he just fell out in the grass, rolling, tossing and turning.  And I thought…

Maybe he had never felt that patch of grass before.  Did that old, mean, rusty chain ever allow him to reach that far?  Funny.  I stood there watching him wiggle and roll, and it didn’t take long before I saw something else — Me.

Have you ever experienced any type of lock down, bondage, stronghold?  Ever been stuck on stuck?  Whether it’s a dead end job that stifled your creativity…an unhealthy relationship you wanted out of, but insanely craved more…ever had a vice, a character flaw that was sure to break you before you broke it? And then, one day, without notice or warning — Freedom arrives and sweeps you off your feet.

Man, have I been there…’bout as long as I can remember Redd and that old rusty chain.  But, thanks be to God — I am newly free.  Me and Redd lol.  Neophytes of Freedom (I’ll save maintaining freedom for another post).

I couldn’t help but wonder…if people see me, like I saw Redd that day.  “She’s different now…awkward….weird…kinda goofy happy LOL!”  Yeah, I’m rocking all of that and more.  We can share, write about a journey all day, but it’s virtually impossible for others to fully grasp its impact — if they haven’t lived it, felt it for themselves…for real.

For now, I’m enjoying this year of “reboot“, with all its challenges and lessons learned thus far (is it really June already?).  And every time I look out back and see Redd, I’ll probably smile, remembering how far we’ve come.  I don’t speak dog, Redd, but I’m happy for ya…Freedom feels so good to me too :-)!

asheselah