Mmm, mm, mm…

August 17, 2009

*shakes head*

…it’s been how long? man, what’s up with that?! A shame :).

I miss this place. I miss you…yeah, the one with the eyeballs LOL! If I could get a dollar for all my posts in draft right now, I’d have a sa-weet dinner out :).

But life’s stupid busy right now. Hope you’re following my random tweets (look to the right)…140 characters is all I have time to bang out sometimes, with the book taking many creative turns. Oh, and there’s also been some interesting new life angst. Let’s just put it like this…my world and ashe.selah’s world have finally collided after what?…2-3 years. Was bound to happen, right? And who didn’t have a plan for…I came, I healed, I conquered….now what? Us lol! It’ll make sense later, after I figure out whether to destroy the mask, or seal the crack.

Soooo, let’s see *laughter*. I dunno what to say, but this randomly vague thought dump feels good in here. Funny. It only takes a toe dip to make the whole body quiver, pinky toes ok. Thanks for the splash, blog friends.

Hey, did I tell ya……i miss this place. i miss U!



I think I’ve always been an overachiever.   There’s nothing I couldn’t do, and nothing you could do to convince me otherwise.  I always had to be in the know, always strived for 1st place, and for me, ninety-nine in a half just wouldn’t do.

Til this Father’s Day weekend, when my “always” met “sometimes”.

Sometimes, winning is overrated.  Sometimes, negativity is a good thing.  Sometimes, you don’t have to be on top (err lol?).  I mean really.  Who wants to pass every test?! LOL!

Since surgery last month, everything’s come back to normal.  Back on my feet, walking faster than .2 mph, voice came back, back to work, back to driving, back to intimacy….Everything came back in it’s proper time….EXCEPT *eyeballs calendar*?

I run like clockwork.  Never late in the past 11 years. Must’ve been stress from the surgery, right?  Well, umm, let’s see.  Hubby and I have been in straight up celebration lol — and with good reason.  All was benign, our worse concerns never materialized, plus, this is the year of my rebirth…I’m back with a vengeance.  I’m fresh, free, fab, fierce…in ev-er-y intricate and intimate way.  So thankful for newness in mind and spirit.  Hubby’s prayed for years for this woman to arrive, and now that she’s here…guess we both can’t get enough.

*Insert tire screech*

But weeks were passing by…no little friend lol, but enough fatigue, nausea, and panic in both of us to fill a football stadium.  Man, 40 can almost reach out and grab me…what the world?!  Lawd, please…kids in middle school now….delivery, diapers, daycare, again?  And our cute heart tat doesn’t have room for another initial lol!

OMGosh, I wish I could have been with hubby when he bought the pregnancy test (1st time ever).  He’s so cool, I know it must’ve been hard (and hilarious) for him to ask for help.  The lady told him, “Buy this one, it’s really accurate.  Don’t spend alot of money, they’re all the same.” (OK, umm, being an expert in pregnancy tests…is that a good thing lol?)

how stuff worksSo, I’m in the bathroom, gotta big fat negative, and where’s hubby?  In the bed ’bout to throwup LOL!  I tease him, “Well, looks like you’re gonna have an even bigger Father’s Day…”  “Oh no, for real?!  Stop playin’…for real?!  OMG.”  I would have kept it going, but I burst into laughter (see, he always gets me like this with his “jokes”).  “Yeah.  Bigger.  But not because I’m pregnant…”  “Ahh man…Aye, girl…you play too much!!”  I was dying laughing…till I kept feeling super fatigued and nauseated.

After another friendless week…nerves shot (am I that 1% to receive a false negative),  light weight gain, and a doctor-administered pregnancy test scheduled for next week, we’re having a really swell Father’s Day weekend *smile*.  Ladies, I’ve never been so relieved like this to see her…like ever.

Does this call for a celebration too?!  *Rolls eyes*  “I don’t think so…”


Freedom Neophyte

June 6, 2009

I’ve watched him for years now, unnoticed…cloaked by the height and privacy of my rear deck.  Sometimes, I catch a glimpse of him while pulling into the driveway.  Other times through half-drawn blinds while rinsing a cup or bowl at the kitchen sink.   It wasn’t like I was spying the other day.  Things are just — different now.  Noticeably.  And something about him was mysterious, yet strangely familiar.  He seemed awkward, confused, almost lost, but in a drunken ecstatic sort of way, like he’d sprung a leak, and couldn’t quite keep the happy drops from squirting out.  I actually felt my heart smile for him — and I don’t even really like dogs.

His name is Redd. His former name is “the black and white dog tied up behind the house”.  He’s held that title for the past three and a half years…until last week, when our neighbors installed a fence, and let old Redd roam free.

The day I saw him, I thought he was choaking on something.  He was staggering around the fence, jerking…and then, he just fell out in the grass, rolling, tossing and turning.  And I thought…

Maybe he had never felt that patch of grass before.  Did that old, mean, rusty chain ever allow him to reach that far?  Funny.  I stood there watching him wiggle and roll, and it didn’t take long before I saw something else — Me.

Have you ever experienced any type of lock down, bondage, stronghold?  Ever been stuck on stuck?  Whether it’s a dead end job that stifled your creativity…an unhealthy relationship you wanted out of, but insanely craved more…ever had a vice, a character flaw that was sure to break you before you broke it? And then, one day, without notice or warning — Freedom arrives and sweeps you off your feet.

Man, have I been there…’bout as long as I can remember Redd and that old rusty chain.  But, thanks be to God — I am newly free.  Me and Redd lol.  Neophytes of Freedom (I’ll save maintaining freedom for another post).

I couldn’t help but wonder…if people see me, like I saw Redd that day.  “She’s different now…awkward….weird…kinda goofy happy LOL!”  Yeah, I’m rocking all of that and more.  We can share, write about a journey all day, but it’s virtually impossible for others to fully grasp its impact — if they haven’t lived it, felt it for themselves…for real.

For now, I’m enjoying this year of “reboot“, with all its challenges and lessons learned thus far (is it really June already?).  And every time I look out back and see Redd, I’ll probably smile, remembering how far we’ve come.  I don’t speak dog, Redd, but I’m happy for ya…Freedom feels so good to me too :-)!



May 21, 2009

Remember the smart-alic kids in elementary school during roll call?  The entire class would say “Here!” when their name was called…except the few bent on being cute who said, “Present!”  I don’t know what made me think of that for this post lol.  All I know is — both responses feel GREAT right now!!…to be both Here and Present!

First, I want to thank all my blog friends again for the kind words, the cheers, the prayers, and positive thoughts during this time.  I send you all abundant love and appreciation.  I’m slowly up and about after surgery, waiting for the last remnants of soreness and dizziness to bid adieu.

Looks like I’m not a general anesthesia virgin anymore lol, and what I previously thought was a problem with awareness, was really a problem of expectations (the docs had only given me the “cocktail“, not full-blown anesthesia).  This time, they got me good lol… “Just take deep breaths of the oxygen.”  After 3-4 breaths, the next thing I remember was waking up with what felt like a pipe up my right nostril.  So, now I’m nursing my throat and neck where they also inserted the breathing tube into my chest….a tell-tale sign of past unconsciousness.

Another sign? Nausea.  This throwing up business happened with my “cocktail” episode too.  Only then, I wasn’t in front of the hospital in a wheelchair, upchucking into one of those small hospital basins.  Not a very cuteful moment LOL….but anyway…*smile*

Fibes and polyps?  Well, the latter was all removed (pathology report soon), and the former were no where to be found!  This could mean the fibes are in a deeper place, or healed altogether.  Wouldn’t that be fab?!  I’ll keep tabs on it with another ultrasound this year some time….

Overall people?  God has been super gracious to me!!  Little to no pain, blessed to have a job and paid time off from that job, hubby has been my hero, moms has been my shero, support from friends and fam, and I survived the what ifs that had caused me great angst.  Don’t laugh, but when you’re new to sickness, surgery, etc….you think about it.  Is this my time?

So grateful purpose still lives large in me, and I want to accomplish every purpose and dream predestined for my life, in a healthy body…hmm, like having other women read my story before they live my story.  Let the new day begin…

preopBlood pressure.  120 over 80.  Weight. 156.  Darn 30 is now darn 6 :).  Smoker. No.  Alcohol. Twice a year count?  No. Drugs. No.  Chronic disease? Diabetic. No.  Stroke. No.  TB. No. Chronic pain. No.  Acid reflux. No. Heart murmur. Heart disease. Heart attack. No, No, No.  Std. HIV. No, No.  Asthma. No.  High cholesterol.  Thyroid problems. Blood clots. Ulcers. Seizures. Arthritis………

The cute PA with the baby face checked off a laundry list of No’s for pre-op.  She finally ended the form with, “You’re a very healthy woman”.  Her smile was geniune.  Maybe it was me that projected the question in her eyes…”what are you doing here?”

I’ve been very blessed…thanks be to God!  Hearing those words made my soul smile, so grateful to say No to sooo many diseases others deal with on a day-to-day basis.  I have no clue.  But, her words sparked not only gratitude, but reflection.  The mirror of my past, and thoughts of my now. The journey that brought me to that very chair in the hospital room, discussing patient history, anesthesia options, and having blood drawn in case I need some during surgery tomorrow.

Never experienced serious illness before this journey.  The dis-ease they’ll remove symbolizes the dis-connection from pain and depression.  By the grace of God, we are strangers now, no longer intimate friends.  

Moms tried to refute my argument.  Probably a loving petition to take myself off the hook.  “Well, there are many people who haven’t experienced traumatic events…and they develop disease.”  This may very well be true.  But, I believe we underestimate the traumatic effects that prolonged anger, bitterness, unforgiveness, stress, and the like have on our bodies.  How do we respond and manage traumatic events?  The cells in our bodies aren’t hard of hearing, and they respond to every thought we have in our minds. 

I was researching psychosocial/psychological stress and its effect on health.  Stanford U has a very engaging site about stress & health…check it out.  Looks like the same physiological stress response early humans had while running from predators, is the same response modern humans have for taxes, divorce, or even public speaking.  The only difference is, when the predator is gone, our bodies return to a state of rest…we release the stress response.  Not so for stress in our daily lives.  Why do we keep the heightened state of madness going, changing, increasing?  Could it be cos our minds are so advanced, creative, imaginative now…that we’re smart enough to keep it going, foolish enough not to turn it off?

For me, this concept magnifies when I think about women.  We are creators, no?  The very essence of creativity, the center of life lies within us…our womb.  And when it comes to fibes, this goes triple for African-American women for some reason.  What happens when we carry seeds of unresolved hurts, pains, trauma…extensions of stress?  We do what we do naturally — we create!  We give life and bring forth chaos in our bodies. 

Moms asked me the other day, “Do you want to win?”  Health, peace, joyous life…insert any prize into the blank.  She’s never been to college, let alone read the Stanford U findings, but funny how they agree substantively.  After my resounding “Yes!”, she says, “Well, the battle begins in the mind.  Negative thoughts are like birds…you shoo them away before they land, don’t give them time to build a nest…that’s more than half the battle won.” 

Lord, help me to be smart enough to LET your mind be in me, and LET the beautiful birds of truth, love, purity, goodness, honesty, fairness, and praise dwell with me always.

Until soon….


I wanna…

May 11, 2009

…write.  do.  something.  create some music.  finish some lyrics.  read. sleep. run. walk. instead.  i’m sitting here. thinking. nothing. everything. i’m really going through with it. still a week out. and you’re already starting to trip, girl. living wills. durable power of attorney. insurance cards. anesthesia options. every # and address you have. yeah. the hospital’s called twice today.  pre-op registration. whateva. as much as i’d like to trivialize this thing. tell myself it’s really not that serious.  or better yet, high-tail it from reality. it’s starting to feel. serious. like the one who “hates” docs and hospitals and forms and needles and bed gowns. is really gonna go through with it. sigh. where’s my well? who moved the light switch? positivity. any minute now, faith. real substance. jump start. switch me. shift me. to perfect peace. a mind. focused. that sees only Creator God. a stare. frozen in time. melting away. the nagging angst………..

But What About Me?

May 7, 2009

So, I’m nearing the end of this book, right?  The novel’s reaching a heart thumping pace.   I’m gobbling the pages, rooting for characters…will he?  won’t she? — totally absorbed like a nosy bystander, wishing they’d ask me what to do next.  Ooh wee…this is good.

A chapter ends on a solid high note.  The making of a happy ending.  Eight more pages till the end.  The protagonist WILL overcome…I can feel it.  I couldn’t have written it any better.  The words just fit.  The flow was natural.  And then, before you know it, I’m wiping a tear from my cheek.  What the? Where in the world did this sad emotion come from?

Grief?  Not this time.  Fumes from too much overtime…nah.  Anxiety about surgery in 2 weeks…could be, but don’t think so.  After an honest look in my heart…there it was.  I actually heard the thought.  “Why won’t my book flow like this?  What about me?”

A wave of jealousy?  Maybe envy sans malice?  I dunno.  Whatever it is, it ain’t pretty, doesn’t feel good at all.  For a moment there, I got side-tracked.  Slathered in writer’s block and frustrated, I became reluctant to see my own well-being outside the light of another’s good fortune.  When really, the truth of my own intrinsic value can only be revealed in the Light of my own path and purpose.  It’s soo easy to be distracted when we look on another person’s paper.  Funny.  My answers won’t work for you…and vice versa.

This little episode reminds me of my kids.  When you praise one, the other pines, “but what about me, Ma?”  The loving mom replies to son or daughter, “you don’t have to say ‘what about me’.  Son’s/Daughter’s praise doesn’t take anything away from you and your goodness.  Actually, you could add your goodness to the situation by being on the inside of praise….Don’t stand on the outside feeling mad and jealous.  It’s much more fun to be happy for your bro/sis.”

Bunch of crock LOL?  Painful Truth?  I know the latter is the best attitude to have, and the truth never needs a cosignor….But what about those times when it’s a challenge to join the praise party?  You want to be happy happy joy joy, but maybe it’s something you worked so hard for, yearned for, would die for, and another’s rocking it hard?  Wow.

For me, it goes back to path and purpose.  It’s crazy.  When we sneak a peek at someone’s paper in this test called Life, we never can see every answer, can we?  Most times, we don’t know WHAT it took for someone to be who they are, where they are, or have what they have.  I have no idea what it took that author to birth her book.  And you know what?  When I’m published, vice versa :).  Everyone has their own process.  The hard part is trusting it…timing and all.  When I look back at the moves and whines of my selfish self, I have to admit it…I usually see the greater good in the end and am so thankful that things did NOT go my way… and grateful that the Creator kept me on purpose…despite the tantrums.

What about me?  I’m not forgotten…just in my lane, learning and growing as I go through my motions….