I think I’ve always been an overachiever.   There’s nothing I couldn’t do, and nothing you could do to convince me otherwise.  I always had to be in the know, always strived for 1st place, and for me, ninety-nine in a half just wouldn’t do.

Til this Father’s Day weekend, when my “always” met “sometimes”.

Sometimes, winning is overrated.  Sometimes, negativity is a good thing.  Sometimes, you don’t have to be on top (err lol?).  I mean really.  Who wants to pass every test?! LOL!

Since surgery last month, everything’s come back to normal.  Back on my feet, walking faster than .2 mph, voice came back, back to work, back to driving, back to intimacy….Everything came back in it’s proper time….EXCEPT *eyeballs calendar*?

I run like clockwork.  Never late in the past 11 years. Must’ve been stress from the surgery, right?  Well, umm, let’s see.  Hubby and I have been in straight up celebration lol — and with good reason.  All was benign, our worse concerns never materialized, plus, this is the year of my rebirth…I’m back with a vengeance.  I’m fresh, free, fab, fierce…in ev-er-y intricate and intimate way.  So thankful for newness in mind and spirit.  Hubby’s prayed for years for this woman to arrive, and now that she’s here…guess we both can’t get enough.

*Insert tire screech*

But weeks were passing by…no little friend lol, but enough fatigue, nausea, and panic in both of us to fill a football stadium.  Man, 40 can almost reach out and grab me…what the world?!  Lawd, please…kids in middle school now….delivery, diapers, daycare, again?  And our cute heart tat doesn’t have room for another initial lol!

OMGosh, I wish I could have been with hubby when he bought the pregnancy test (1st time ever).  He’s so cool, I know it must’ve been hard (and hilarious) for him to ask for help.  The lady told him, “Buy this one, it’s really accurate.  Don’t spend alot of money, they’re all the same.” (OK, umm, being an expert in pregnancy tests…is that a good thing lol?)

how stuff worksSo, I’m in the bathroom, gotta big fat negative, and where’s hubby?  In the bed ’bout to throwup LOL!  I tease him, “Well, looks like you’re gonna have an even bigger Father’s Day…”  “Oh no, for real?!  Stop playin’…for real?!  OMG.”  I would have kept it going, but I burst into laughter (see, he always gets me like this with his “jokes”).  “Yeah.  Bigger.  But not because I’m pregnant…”  “Ahh man…Aye, girl…you play too much!!”  I was dying laughing…till I kept feeling super fatigued and nauseated.

After another friendless week…nerves shot (am I that 1% to receive a false negative),  light weight gain, and a doctor-administered pregnancy test scheduled for next week, we’re having a really swell Father’s Day weekend *smile*.  Ladies, I’ve never been so relieved like this to see her…like ever.

Does this call for a celebration too?!  *Rolls eyes*  “I don’t think so…”

asheselah

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I Am The Greatest!

January 29, 2009

I jumped outta bed this morning a little after seven. Jumped because I was supposed to get up at six something to proof and edit Son’s paper I’d typed last night. Son and Daughter greeted me, and proceeded to lead me by hand and arms downstairs. “Close your eyes, Ma!”, said Son. “She can’t close her eyes going downstairs!”, Daughter replied. Son’s turn again, “You’re holding her wrong, she’s not handicapped!”

We reach downstairs, and I immediately closed my eyes to play along. The kids led me near my desk, where, I didn’t really see anything to ooh and ahh about…until.

“Hold up…who’s over there eating that big bowl of fruit?” Ever have kids eat up everything good, before you even get a taste? Well, for once, this was not the case.

“It’s for you, Ma!” And then I see and hear the big picture. Just for me…a big bowl of fresh fruit, orange juice, a big pillow against the back of my chair…and lovingly blasted on my screen in Microsoft Word lol:

thegreatest

Ahhhhhh!!! Is that the best or what?!!! But that’s not all. In the background, I could hear my girl Whitney cranking up….‘If I, should stay, I would only be in your wayyyyy…’ One of my (and their Granddad’s) fave songs, I Will Always Love You, remember?

So, you know I had to slob all over those babies *smile*, while they fussed about who’s idea it was for what. I’m hugging and kissing on them, and Son says smiling, “Don’t get no tears on me, Mama” LOL! Boy, stop trying to know me! It doesn’t take much for me to get all misty…

So, today, I bask in my greatness….so greatful for the sweet thoughts of kindness. I am sooo cheezin’ :)!

asheselah

Why the Struggle?

January 28, 2009

struggle2When it comes to making decisions, from the trivial pick-and-choose to life-changing crossroads, why do I struggle so hard?  Man, I’ve always been a deep, over-thinker lol.  The concept of struggle and my seemingly endless love affair with it rested on me big time…during this season of introspection.  Moms didn’t help the case either, or rather, she cracked the case wide open during one of my ranting sessions.  “Girl, why the struggle?”

Let’s see….Cos I don’t want to:

…jack things up.
…make things worse.
…be wrong.
…make a careless mistake.
…regret my decision later.
…have to do this over again.
…choose.

Out of those 7 little things (lol…and I could go on)…by the time I’ve wrestled, and toiled, and worried, and lost sleep, and thought about it, and planned it, and scrapped plans, and surveyed others, and Arghhhh!   When all the madness is over, guess what…..I still have to make a decision!

So, I ask myself again…why the struggle, man?  Cos I must learn that:

…you can never truly avoid making mistakes.
…sometimes things get worse, right before they get better.
…nothing is wrong with a do-over, if it’s what you need to get over, and stay over.
…I’m human, and won’t always get it right….where’s the growth in that?
…life is about making and living your best decisions.
…sometimes you’re never too grown to Woman-up :0)
…I HAVE to choose.

I believe at the base of all this learning is a full embrace of love for self, and the exposure of hidden fears.  Whadyah think?  Funny, how we forfeit peace and acceptance for strugglin’ disguised as an acceptable norm.  Okay, I’m on it… 🙂

asheselah

787360_chucksSometimes the smallest words left unspoken, ring the loudest in our children’s ears.

When I was a kid, I usually heard the opposite from elders — “Do what I say, not what do.”  The words were usually delivered with stern looks, tight lips, and a stiff index finger.  It was serious…and they meant every word.

But what was that all about?  A free pass for adults to clown and cut up, while demanding that kids do the right thing….like ALL the time…without example?  Funny.  Some of us still expect that old saying to hold true.  Sorry ppl, you can’t tell your child, “don’t gossip”, but every time they turn around…you’re on the phone with “Chile, did you hear….”  Whadya think?

Well, I asked myself the same question recently.  No serious character flaw (though, I’m still a work in progress), but my character nonetheless.  See, I’ma laid back kinda chic.  I love to just kick it :)!  I think I got it bad when I landed that cushy consulting gig, and worked from home for years.  Pajamas, jeans, tees, chucks — what?!  No more suits and pantyhose, fancy hair do’s and heels.  Just…me…workin’, but chillin’.

Little did I know, I’ve been saying to Daughter, “Do what I do, not what I say.”   Recently, I suggested several cute dresses for her to wear to church….a chocolate brown velour wrap dress, a fun plaid dress, new tights in hand.  Her response, “Well, what are you wearing, Ma….you kickin’ it in jeans?”

In that moment (kinda off subject), I remembered me at 12, 13, how…clothes were awful, ugly, out of style, embarrassing — JUST because Mom suggested it lol.  I could’ve liked it at the store, but just cos Mom said, “hey what about this?”, I would immediately reject it.  Typical pre-teen…

As I thought about Daughter’s question more, it dawned on me just how much Daughter watches me…in EVERYTHING!  Maybe cos I never wanted my Mom’s style, it didn’t dawn on me that Daughter liked mine.  Kinda flattering.  But this thing works both ways, I believe.  I told her, “you know what, I’m gonna start dressing up more.”  You should’ve seen her eyes light up…like “Ooh I’m game, too!”

Funny, the longer we parent, the less our lives remain the “main attraction”.  Living our best life is not just about us anymore….we aren’t the only benefactors.  And I’m starting to realize this more and more, as my 2 little sponges get older.  They’re soaking me and hubby up…without prejudice…the good, bad, and ugly.

I once read a saying (paraphrasing), “If there’s something in your child’s life that makes your blood boil, take a real hard look at your own.  You’ll probably see the source of the flames.  Change your life, and their’s will follow.”  *Ouch*

Without even saying, or saying not to, our children are doing what we do.  Let’s put on a great show for them, k?  I’m striving…:).

asheselah

The Gift of No Repeats

December 29, 2008

lake-tranquilChristmas alone without your spouse and kids.  Miles away in another state, no less.  I didn’t even blog about it last year, too much….I checked.  Nope, that was no way to spend the holidays.  But there was no other choice.  Leading the care for Dad last year, and we were down to his final weeks.  So, sacrifices had to be made.  This year?…Feels like the holidays totally rewarded me.  God read my scribble-scrabble on the wall, and gave me a Christmas filled with love, joy, and fellowship with the ones who matter most…Hubby, Son, and Daughter.  A house filled with laughter and good times together…whew, yeah baby!

christmas-huntI had to make an event out of everything.  I was just so ecstatic to have them near, ya know. We didn’t do alot of gifts, just a couple biggies that the kids would feel.  No, simply unwrapping gifts wasn’t good enough for me.  “Let’s have a Christmas scavenger hunt!”  Hubby was tired, and only barely amused.  Me?  I was on 10,000!  Hahahahaha lol!!!!

We started in the dining room…that was base.  We strategically hid Son’s bike downstairs in the garage, and Daughter’s oh-so-purple (her fave color) Ipod Nano in the kitchen canisters (pic).  Set…Go!

flapjacksOMGosh…we laughed at those two…tearing up the house looking for the gifts we used for obedient leverage for months lol.  “You’re getting hotter!”  “No, you’re cold…freezing!”  Daughter hid her face and almost cried when she hit the right canister.  Son did a MJ jig when he finally found the bike downstairs (I need to Youtube that moment).  We had a blast!!  After all our energy was spent, we filled up on my world famous flapjacks with the crispy edges.  Delish!

lake-chapelFor the weekend, we got a chance to go down to FL and hang out with my hubby’s fam.  Mostly enjoyable togetherness (more later *wink*)….The kids hung out with their cousins, learned to skate at the rink, hubby and I caught up on some rest and us time…but best of all, we took in some fam time, just the four of us at the lake.  Beautiful views, the awesomeness of nature at our fingertips.  The Creator’s handiwork….Lovely!

Man, I am so grateful for no repeats…can you tell in this quickie post?!  This was soooo not my 2007 Christmas, and I couldn’t have asked for more…..or anything less for that matter :)!

The Cost of Curiosity

November 17, 2008

Hubby was home the other morning, which is rare with his schedule, and offered to take the kids to school.  What?!  Are you kidding, help yourself, love!  I could use a few more winks nowadays, for real…Especially having been up at 4am fooling with one contact ….took it out, back to bed.  Now…it wasn’t a total self-less gesture from hubby (we had plans when he returned *smile*)…But who could pass up a sleep-in that included not saying the words “hurry up” in a sentence one time!  Woulda been sweet, man…but some of the best Zzz’s are broken up by madness and utter chaos.

I jerked my head off the pillow…partly cos hubby’s blastin’ the am news and dropping stuff in the bathroom, and partly cos, I was hearing things.  “Bay, who is that crying?”  “Nobody, get your rest…that’s just {Son} singing.”  Right.  I tried to lay back down, but I didn’t need Keith Sweat to tell me…something just ain’t right.

Within seconds, we heard Daughter scream…. “Daddy, he’s bleeding!”

I literally leaped out of the covers, clearing the edge of the bed to the floor.  Though my eyes were all squinty from working in cyclops mode LOL, I eventually got a clear focus of the situation downstairs.

Two words — Blood bath.

Apparently, little dude, who was supposed to be making his breakfast, got the not-so-bright idea to try out the new knife set on our silicone pot holders.  Needless to say, rubber rarely stops a knife blade from cutting human flesh.  And get this…I guess in total aftershock, with blood gushing and squirting from his thumb, Son took off running laps from the kitchen to the living room SHAKING the hand!!!  Can you say splattered blood  everywhere?!!!!……..the floors, stove, fridge, microwave, blinds, walls, tables, fireplace, doors, light switches….blood splatters the size of quarters to pin heads.

OK…how does blood get on that tiny nook between the countertop and the silverware drawer?  I’m wiping up blood thinkin’…there’s no way I could be the “cleaner” (really good movie).  I’ll miss a drop and send everybody away for life…

Once the situation calmed down and we got the finger wrapped up to go to the docs…Son sat on the sofa with Daughter — both of them laughing.  Crazy hubby was running around the room hollering, pausing to touch everything….his comical explanation as to how so much blood landed in so many different places LOL!  We were dying laughing….yes, our fam still finds the humor in almost everything!

<Sidebar>
What were some of your hardest lessons as a kid….doing (most times EXACTLY) what you were warned NOT to do?  Heck, what are some of our adult lessons along the same lines…*smile*
</Sidebar>

Anywho, I was once again the Mama snapping pics at a time like this….boy, my kids’ high school graduation or wedding is gonna be too much.  But seriously, Son is fine, the finger took 5 stitches (with two needles to numb it…yeah, he paid a high price…cut up something awful hubby said), and he’s healing nicely.  We’ll still have to tell Son to hurry up in the mornings….but we will never have to tell him not to play with knives.  Nope, not ever again :)!

thumbmorning

Sometimes, it’s pretty amazing to me…what kids pick up.  Kids are like sponges…they don’t make a sound, they don’t call attention to themselves…but, all the while, they’re soaking up everything around them — conversations, visuals, etc.

Last year this time when I was taking care of “Granddaddy”, I didn’t take notice to just how much the kids were watching me in action, listening.  Well, last night during dinner, I realized they “got” more than I thought they did…let’s see.

Hubby had left for his 6p-6a shift.  Daughter and Son were doing homework at the dinner table.  I’m at the stove cooking one of their favorite meals (fish sticks, corn, rice), and Son asks, “Ma, are you going to eat at the table with us again…let me put you a chair right here?”  “That’s ok, I’ll get it, baby” I respond.  “No, I got it Ma, I’m gonna have to take care of you anyway when you get old.” Get who?  I smiled, “OK, Son. Thanks.”

Now…lol.  I’ve already spoken here about taking a break from the elderly…still working on that.  But I thought I’d take a chance, after that enlightening comment lit up my reality, to share some feelings with the kids.

“Hey, can I tell you guys a secret?”  “Sure, Ma!”  There is no better way to get my kids’ full, undivided attention, than to tell them you’re gonna share a “secret”.  All pencils stopped moving, and there were four wide-eyes staring dead at me (I’ve told my kids some interesting stories about growing up…they’re always ready for the juice lol).

“Well, you guys know that Mama’s birthday is next month, and just then…when you talked about me getting old and all…I’m…umm, kinda trippin’ cos I’ll be forty in a couple of years…What is that about?! {they laughed}…Man, I can still remember being YOUR age!”  Now, this was no where near the juicy stories I’ve told before…but they began to think and tie things together just like they always do.

Almost instantly, Son says, “So Ma, they have diapers for grown ups?”  Son comes at ya front and center, boy.  “Yeah…they’re called adult diapers.”  “And that’s what Granddaddy had?”  “Yep…he couldn’t walk anymore…couldn’t get to the bathroom, you know?”  “So, you had to see all that?”  By this time, their faces are all wrinkled up, noses squished….and I’m trying not to laugh…seeing them piece together their thoughts of taking care of me, like I did Dad.

Finally, after taking it all in and assessing the situation lol, Daughter chimes in with her resolve.  Guess she thought she was callin’ “shotgun”.  “Ok A….I’ll clean the front, and you can clean the back!”  Folks, I tell ya…we all fell out laughin!.  Then, of course, they had to put their kid perspective on it…take it to the silly-giggly level.  Son says, “Uh uh, I don’t want the chocolate, I want the lemonade!”  “No, I’ll get the lemonade, you get the turtles {candy}!”   By now, I’m dying laughing LOL!!!!

Well, it looks like I’ve got MY diaper duty coverage in the bag.  I think it’s important to instill in our children that life is a cycle.  And just like our parents cared for us as babies, there may come a day when the parent becomes the “infant”…and the roles will be reversed.

Until then, as Daughter says, “Ma, you’re gonna be a Grandmama in chucks…I just know it.”  🙂