Freedom Neophyte

June 6, 2009

I’ve watched him for years now, unnoticed…cloaked by the height and privacy of my rear deck.  Sometimes, I catch a glimpse of him while pulling into the driveway.  Other times through half-drawn blinds while rinsing a cup or bowl at the kitchen sink.   It wasn’t like I was spying the other day.  Things are just — different now.  Noticeably.  And something about him was mysterious, yet strangely familiar.  He seemed awkward, confused, almost lost, but in a drunken ecstatic sort of way, like he’d sprung a leak, and couldn’t quite keep the happy drops from squirting out.  I actually felt my heart smile for him — and I don’t even really like dogs.

His name is Redd. His former name is “the black and white dog tied up behind the house”.  He’s held that title for the past three and a half years…until last week, when our neighbors installed a fence, and let old Redd roam free.

The day I saw him, I thought he was choaking on something.  He was staggering around the fence, jerking…and then, he just fell out in the grass, rolling, tossing and turning.  And I thought…

Maybe he had never felt that patch of grass before.  Did that old, mean, rusty chain ever allow him to reach that far?  Funny.  I stood there watching him wiggle and roll, and it didn’t take long before I saw something else — Me.

Have you ever experienced any type of lock down, bondage, stronghold?  Ever been stuck on stuck?  Whether it’s a dead end job that stifled your creativity…an unhealthy relationship you wanted out of, but insanely craved more…ever had a vice, a character flaw that was sure to break you before you broke it? And then, one day, without notice or warning — Freedom arrives and sweeps you off your feet.

Man, have I been there…’bout as long as I can remember Redd and that old rusty chain.  But, thanks be to God — I am newly free.  Me and Redd lol.  Neophytes of Freedom (I’ll save maintaining freedom for another post).

I couldn’t help but wonder…if people see me, like I saw Redd that day.  “She’s different now…awkward….weird…kinda goofy happy LOL!”  Yeah, I’m rocking all of that and more.  We can share, write about a journey all day, but it’s virtually impossible for others to fully grasp its impact — if they haven’t lived it, felt it for themselves…for real.

For now, I’m enjoying this year of “reboot“, with all its challenges and lessons learned thus far (is it really June already?).  And every time I look out back and see Redd, I’ll probably smile, remembering how far we’ve come.  I don’t speak dog, Redd, but I’m happy for ya…Freedom feels so good to me too :-)!



11 Responses to “Freedom Neophyte”

  1. Kafo Says:

    glad to have u back and in true form

  2. mr. nichols Says:

    another dope post. there were a lot of good lines but i think my favorite was this one:

    “…like he’d sprung a leak, and couldn’t quite keep the happy drops from squirting out.”

    but i definitely appreciate the metaphor. i love the smell of freedom in the morning. lol. but i am definitely looking forward to your post on maintaining because i think that is the hard part.

  3. ashe.selah Says:

    Kafo, it’s good to be back AND here, girl…in some kinda regular rhythm…thx!

  4. ashe.selah Says:

    Ok, you’re gonna laugh, Russell. Why was I in bed putting the finishing touches on this post…and hubby read “the happy drops squirting out” and was like, “Umm, the who?” LOL!!! I was dying laughing…read the whole post, bay *smile*.

    But seriously, I’ve gotta think hard and be real about that maintaining part, and I just may play devil’s advocate…are we really ever free, or do we just become really watchful and that freedom, or the COST of freedom?

    Until soon…

  5. Cynthia Says:

    I think (like everyone said) the maintaining is the hard part OR giving yourself the whole ability to be free. I’ve realized that everyone could very well be free but we allow ourselves to get in our own way.

    Breaking that mold may be the hardest part. 🙂

  6. ashe.selah Says:

    Girl, I keep wondering if I’ve opened a can of worms or flowers with that notion of maintaining. Doesn’t seem to be a long-story-short route I can take, with so many facets and variables. Or is it like you said…it all boils down to breaking that daggone mold…

  7. mr. nichols Says:

    LOL! That’s hilarious. I can picture that whole seen and I would’ve reacted the same way if I just heard that snippet out of context.

    But yeah, I feel you on that whole freedom paradox. Can’t wait to see what you come up with.

  8. LaTonya Says:

    Dang! You had me there watching Redd roll around and enjoy the grass. Shoot I want to experience summa that freedom my dog-gone self!

    I’ve got to hang out over here some more.

  9. ashe.selah Says:

    Ha! Funny, LaTonya…and welcome to ya! When you’re really free, you don’t care how the expressions come out, or who’s looking for that matter lol. ‘Ole Redd could teach us all a thing or two about embracing/celebrating freedom…. ______ like no one’s watching…you fill in the blank :)!

  10. Great post. I’m happy for you and for Redd. It’s good to be free!

  11. ashe.selah Says:

    Thanks SB…good indeed :)!

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