But What About Me?

May 7, 2009

So, I’m nearing the end of this book, right?  The novel’s reaching a heart thumping pace.   I’m gobbling the pages, rooting for characters…will he?  won’t she? — totally absorbed like a nosy bystander, wishing they’d ask me what to do next.  Ooh wee…this is good.

A chapter ends on a solid high note.  The making of a happy ending.  Eight more pages till the end.  The protagonist WILL overcome…I can feel it.  I couldn’t have written it any better.  The words just fit.  The flow was natural.  And then, before you know it, I’m wiping a tear from my cheek.  What the? Where in the world did this sad emotion come from?

Grief?  Not this time.  Fumes from too much overtime…nah.  Anxiety about surgery in 2 weeks…could be, but don’t think so.  After an honest look in my heart…there it was.  I actually heard the thought.  “Why won’t my book flow like this?  What about me?”

A wave of jealousy?  Maybe envy sans malice?  I dunno.  Whatever it is, it ain’t pretty, doesn’t feel good at all.  For a moment there, I got side-tracked.  Slathered in writer’s block and frustrated, I became reluctant to see my own well-being outside the light of another’s good fortune.  When really, the truth of my own intrinsic value can only be revealed in the Light of my own path and purpose.  It’s soo easy to be distracted when we look on another person’s paper.  Funny.  My answers won’t work for you…and vice versa.

This little episode reminds me of my kids.  When you praise one, the other pines, “but what about me, Ma?”  The loving mom replies to son or daughter, “you don’t have to say ‘what about me’.  Son’s/Daughter’s praise doesn’t take anything away from you and your goodness.  Actually, you could add your goodness to the situation by being on the inside of praise….Don’t stand on the outside feeling mad and jealous.  It’s much more fun to be happy for your bro/sis.”

Bunch of crock LOL?  Painful Truth?  I know the latter is the best attitude to have, and the truth never needs a cosignor….But what about those times when it’s a challenge to join the praise party?  You want to be happy happy joy joy, but maybe it’s something you worked so hard for, yearned for, would die for, and another’s rocking it hard?  Wow.

For me, it goes back to path and purpose.  It’s crazy.  When we sneak a peek at someone’s paper in this test called Life, we never can see every answer, can we?  Most times, we don’t know WHAT it took for someone to be who they are, where they are, or have what they have.  I have no idea what it took that author to birth her book.  And you know what?  When I’m published, vice versa :).  Everyone has their own process.  The hard part is trusting it…timing and all.  When I look back at the moves and whines of my selfish self, I have to admit it…I usually see the greater good in the end and am so thankful that things did NOT go my way… and grateful that the Creator kept me on purpose…despite the tantrums.

What about me?  I’m not forgotten…just in my lane, learning and growing as I go through my motions….

asheselah

Advertisements

2 Responses to “But What About Me?”

  1. Kafo Says:

    trusting
    and
    timing

    two very loaded words

  2. ashe.selah Says:

    So loaded, Kafo, I can barely carry them, girl. Then again, maybe I’m to let them carry me…hmm.


Leave a Reply

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in:

WordPress.com Logo

You are commenting using your WordPress.com account. Log Out / Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out / Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out / Change )

Google+ photo

You are commenting using your Google+ account. Log Out / Change )

Connecting to %s