Feels Right in a Wrong Way

April 7, 2009

From maybe…to will.  Reality has a way of changing everything.

You know, you go through the might’s and maybe’s, passing them all at a safe enough distance, where they don’t attach themselves to you, you’re not encumbered by them, but you know they’re there…somewhere…barely.

Then, you get closer.  Things become clearer.  You gain a new perspective that transforms what wouldn’t have been, into what will be.  Depending on the issue at hand, this is not always an easy or pleasant process.  Reality-shifting. Self-renegotiation.

I’ve toiled here before about surgery, and today, with my pre-op and op dates set for next month, costs and deductibles researched and noted, making plans for family help during recovery — part of me feels confident that I’m doing the right thing.  Actually, most of me. I guess I sprung a leak today cos it’s like…..man, this is reeeeallly happening.  I thought back over the past 3 years like, “Is this how the final chapter ends?”   Wow.

Though my faith wobbles a bit every now and then, in my core I do trust that God is with me.  Though who wouldn’t choose the divine healing option (poof pow, all better lol!), I’ll be fine with the wisdom (and accuracy please) He gives doctors.  Now, it’s not like He needed my vote or approval or anything, but I think it was super smart of God to heal mind first, then body.  A healthy mind is a friend to the body, and can only help the body heal faster, completely whole.  A healing body left alone with a mind of toxic thoughts, unforgiveness, unresolved issues — now that’s a recipe for disaster.  Everything happens for a reason and in it’s time.

But still, man…ahhhhhh noooo yessss @#$^&* LOL!!!!!!!  Ok, girl.  Get it together.  Remember what prompted your reality shift:  Early detection and treatment is the best cure.  Wisdom is the beginning of healing.



5 Responses to “Feels Right in a Wrong Way”

  1. Kafo Says:

    i hope that you are well oooo
    and that it all goes okay
    hang in there
    God is the healer

    how is the law school application waiting for reply thingy going

    • ashe.selah Says:

      Thanks so much, Kafo. I’m hanging tight.

      As for law school, the app status (on-line) has changed from “in progress” to “complete, ready for review”. Be still my beating heart lol!

  2. Jennifer Says:

    Yes, early detection and treatment is the best cure. I am thinking very good thoughts for you. Please keep us posted on both law school and surgery. Take care.

  3. ashe.selah Says:

    I appreciate your kindness, Jennifer…thanks soo much. I sit with knowledge no more, time to make a move on it. I’ll be around these parts with quick updates here and there…

  4. […] Not this time.  Fumes from too much overtime…nah.  Anxiety about surgery in 2 weeks…could be, but don’t think so.  After an honest look in my heart…there it was.  […]

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