Not My Refuge Too!

February 20, 2009

73580_paris_montmartre_stonespiralst…said the former refugee.  “Yes, your expired refuge too!  It’s time to come back home.”

It takes on many different sizes, shapes, forms, scents, textures, flavors, entities — You name it, there’s a human somewhere who’s found refuge in it.

Refuge.  From the root word meaning to run away.  Ouch.  I could list several things we’ve all run to at some point or another to escape our realities.  I’ll  let your mind stroll that memory lane *smile*….

I am a former refugee.  Most dictionaries describe a refugee as a person who, by reason of real or imagined danger, has left their home country, and is unwilling or unable to return.  My home country, my birthright?  Simple — Abundant life.

So far, the year of my return, 2009, has been filled with gratitude, thanks, writer’s block :-(, consumed time, and more life lesson reviews.  Right now, I’m in this space of learning where, or rather WHO my true refuge is.

I think the unwritten and unspoken goal for many, esp. abuse survivors, is to find safety…in everything!  Whether it’s hiding pain behind outgoing or shy masks, rejecting relationships for fear of commitment or being hurt, or shutting yourself up in your house for a year *wink* — people tend to find their formula for safety, however healthy or unhealthy, and lock onto it like  a rabid dog.

Yeah, I foamed at the mouth lol.  During that season a few years ago, you could barely pry me outta the house.  I can count on my hands how many times I went out somewhere, cos…my refuge was sooo nice and safe.  No one on the outside could look into my eyes and see all my pain and shame.  I didn’t have to exert energy pretending to be “Up”, knowing good and well I was looking up at the bottom. No way for anybody to see the chic who has it goin’ on…crumpled on the floor gripped in a silent scream, or shaking uncontrollably trying to grasp for breaths in yet another panic attack.  No thanks, I’m safe in here.

Now, so far removed from that time by the grace of God, I find myself at a special juncture this year.  Due to family demands, it’s time for us to find another home and move from MY place of refuge.  Huh?!

First, ya gotta understand — I LOVE my house.  It was a blessing from God when our family returned from a trying ordeal out-of-state…came back to the ‘A’, without a place to stay, and before long, God sent us this jewel.  For me, it all went down here…from the lowest, to the highest, to every revelation of me, every cry for help, every answered prayer, and ultimately my return back to myself…and Life.  Inscribed upon these walls are the story of my journey.

So, I found myself struck with sadness, one day, from the thought of moving.  I don’t know how many of you will get this, but…this move stuff was giving me separation withdrawals.  This house has been my friend, my blessing, my safety, my fortress — feels like my refuge is being snatched from my Kung-Fu grip *smile*.

But is it really?

After taking a moment to identify and be honest with what I was feeling, I recognized where I was placing sooo much of my trust and dependence — on the gift, rather than the Giver.  If God was able to provide such a beautiful place of refuge for my journey, what greater beauty lies ahead for new Me in this life and freedom I’ve been granted?

What happens when we overstay our welcome in our blessings? Wow, that’s another post.

So now?  I’m cool.  I’ve learned the lesson of seasonal blessings.  That even blessings, when their purpose is served, expire to make room for the better…we’ve never seen before.  As I live and breathe in my true Refuge, Creator God, I am always safe.  Where to now?



4 Responses to “Not My Refuge Too!”

  1. Kafo Says:

    i’m hearing u loud and clear

  2. ashe.selah Says:

    somehow i know u r for real, Kafo…hearing the unwritten, seeing the unheard *smile*!

  3. disgodkidd Says:

    What happens when we overstay our welcome in our blessings?…good question i need to answer

  4. ashe.selah Says:

    Apparently I needed to too, D…realizing that if our Giver is infinite, no gift or blessing is the end all/be all…no gift can equal nor trump the Giver…

    God is full of some magnificent surprises, man…and I’m open to letting go, so I can experience more of them :)!

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