Dodging Grief Balls

January 18, 2009

They had been bouncing and rolling all around me for about a week, I think…dreams (more like nightmares) and memories, all gathering for the one-year anniversary — today marks one year of divine rest for Daddy.  I watched this day on the calendar creep closer and closer.  Wonder how I’ll be?  Will I cry?  Will I get outta bed?  Will I eat?  Will I snap at everybody?  Will I choose to be ok, just being me?

The morning started off rough.  The cold, gray weather outside insisted I cover my head and stay in bed.  Don’t think so.  I got up fine, but was a little numb.  I felt odd.  Being a death-grief-virgin neophyte (been very fortunate to have few deaths in my family), I actually felt this void of knowledge, not knowing what to “do”.  Like a page I desperately needed was torn from the grief manual – “…and on the anniversary of the death you…”  Weird huh.

I had my cry.  I strolled memory lane.  I miss you Pops more than words.  And then, having every excuse not to go, I went to church in the wintery rain.  Left everybody home…I needed to get out the house, and couldn’t think of a better place than around contagious, uplifting praises to God.  What a joy to learn more about this prophetic season we’re in…where, when we speak/say what God (fore)saw concerning XYZ, no matter how challenging it looks in our eyes, we have the power and authority to create life in the deadest places in our lives.  If I lost you on that one, drop me a line…it’s ok *smile*.

Now, there is one thing that I debated doing today…doubted if I’d be able to do, and finally just didn’t get around to doing, I guess because it wasn’t time.  Let me explain.

Like yours truly, Daddy was giving birth to a book about his life before he passed.  I was his faithful scribe lol, trying in all my inexperience to wrap sinews around the bones of his story, the one who transcribed and remains the bearer of the cassettes today.   The Cassettes.  Was I ready to hear Daddy’s voice again? Would it freak me out lol?  Don’t laugh, this is serious.  Even when I mustered up the courage this morning, the batteries in the tape player were shot.  Yeah, I could’ve gone to the store to get more C’s, but it wasn’t urgent to me.   Or was that relief?  Nah, I honestly don’t think I’m ready for the cassettes yet…maybe next year, no pressure.

In the meantime, I’ll keep growing and creating life and goodness with my mouth….. instead of spending time dodging balls that, for the most part, I created in my own mind.  Felt good to finally release conformity, rules, and the grief shoulda’s…and just do – Me.



2 Responses to “Dodging Grief Balls”

  1. disgodkidd Says:

    healing comes soon.i know. last month was 6 years for me. pray you God’s comfort.

  2. ashe.selah Says:

    Thanks so much, Matt. I know you know :)!

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