On the Job Training

December 15, 2008

When I was a kid, I could work a rollercoaster.  Fearless.  The deeper the drops, the faster it moved, the louder the screams, the sicker my companions lol — the better.  Recently, it seems like the rollercoaster’s been working me…in a wild cat and mouse game of who’s ridin’ who.  Suffice it to say, I don’t like rollercoasters much anymore, especially the ones you can’t see, but your emotions can feel…the ups, downs, the looping arounds :).  I’m beginning to get the big picture of how to deal with emotional rollercoasters:  Either develop a twisted affection for the anxiety….or get off.  Yeah, sounds simple in theory…doesn’t it.

So, in my quest to jump ship, I’ve checked myself into specialized training with an expert.  Yep, class is in session on how to handle the really painful events that leave a bruise on life…how can I view and respond to these events, without prolonged or re-occurring anger, bitterness, and without blaming and charging God with wrongdoings?  Seems like a pretty tall order, but my instructor has been there, and I’m sure I will learn alot from his example.  My instructor’s name is Job.

Funny, it never dawned on me to study Job, I mean like really read the whole story, until a ranting phone convo with Mama after the challenging Thanksgiving season.  Mama shared with me how her friend, who’s been suffering a long time with illness after illness, studies the book of Job whenever she feels at her lowest, and how the story encourages and lifts her spirit.

Allow me to go back a month to share how my drop began…

Remember the 6-month waiting period…the big month of November ’08…is it cancer or not?  Well, I’ve got thankful news, and news to watch.  The pre-cancer cells in my womb are now NORMAL (Ahhh!!!  Can everyone say Thank God right there!!!!).  Oh how I wanted to really take my time and write about that experience, but life’s been too busy, so I have to go cliff notes for now :).

The news to watch?  The same visit I get that great news, the doc tells me they’ve found polyps in another area of my womb, and that they’d like to schedule early ’09 surgery.

OK…they clearly didn’t get the memo.  I explain to the doc that I don’t do surgeries well, and how wacked out anesthesia awareness is.  She understood, and offered surgery with an epidural to make sure I didn’t feel any pain.  Huh?  Man, last time I had one of those, birthing daughter, I almost broke hubby’s hand off lol.

So, back to the rollercoaster dip…

With this new news, my spirit just dropped.  Surgery?  This was too much.  Straight drama.  And for what?  Been in near perfect health my entire life, had a healthy womb that didn’t crash until I had to face my demons.  I became so angry at it all, went through all the ‘why did this happen’, ‘why did that happen’..till…I got even sicker, and my face broke BACK out :-(.  When I recognized what I was doing…thinking, feeling, and took action to slowly readjust my thoughts, guess what…I started feeling better, and my face cleared up!  And herein lies my rollercoaster lesson….When you blame and harbor anger and bitterness, every cell in your body (esp. the womb) listens, responds, creates accordingly.  How many times will I have to cross this bridge, before I burn it?  All this junk was addressed in therapy…2 years of working my healing.  I can’t afford to go backwards, BUT…doctors weren’t talking surgery and cancer this and that back then either.

So, me and Job are gonna spend some quality time together..as well as some other readings I’ll be sharing in a few.  Yes, thoughts can still be trained and re-trained…even the ones that seem renegade.

And now, I’ll leave you with words that totally rock me…from my instructor Job (paraphrased in 1st person):

…after losing my wealth and all of my children, still, I worshiped God, and not once did I blame Him, nor charge Him with any wrongdoing.


3 Responses to “On the Job Training”

  1. Jennifer Says:

    Thinking good thoughts for you, Ashe.Selah.

  2. ashe.selah Says:

    Thanks Jennifer, much appreciated!…been missing my reads, girl…I’ve got to catch up with you soon :)!

  3. […] up)…being real intimate with the family shredder today. Not to mention, preparing for the health journey ahead.  How fab to do so with a healthy heart and mind….it’s more than a notion folks, […]

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