Seeing to Believe It

October 29, 2008

Sometimes, ya gotta see it, to believe it. Ya gotta experience it, to understand it. Sometimes.  Where am I with this?  All over the place, but I’ll give you a case in point. A rather gross & graphic case…but a good example nonetheless.

Ever been sick with diarrhea? Now, don’t blurt out your answer, but tell me — Why did you look in the toilet? {Stop smiling, or is that a frown?} C’mon now. You know you snuck a peek lol. We all know what that stuff looks like…how awful it smells…What makes us look? And better yet, after looking…why do we feel we have this full(er) “understanding” of just how sick we were? “Wow, my stomach was really upset.” Umm, ya think?!! Maybe it’s just me…(I had to go all the way left, right?  Mental remnants of the last post, maybe lol).

But seriously. During my Test review this week (looks like I’ll be here a while…feel free to catch up here and here), I found myself NOT wanting to see anymore.  I wanted to get up, kick my desk, and run out the classroom.  That’s not Me I see?!  I don’t want to see why I missed this hellified essay question in Friendships — just tell me what I should’ve said or done, Father. I’ll memorize the answer! Promise.

Ooh, another example just came to mind…can I ramble this out?…Catching your spouse or significant other in a compromising position. Lordy!  I hope to never have this experience, but for those who have, did you really need to see all that? Could someone have told you that Rick or Regina was living foul, and you would’ve gotten it… Understood it fully? Hmmm…. Be honest. How much do you have to be shown, to understand… to make adjustments… to get the gist… to Change… to stop it… to Believe?  And why?

We’re all in individual places of awareness, receptiveness, openness to what our life lessons are trying to show us. Process is always tailor-made to us, huh?  No one size fits all.  As I try to embrace my reprieve and isolation from close friends, or more accurately, the ones I worked to be close to (there’s a colossal difference), I’m starting to see all the jacked up patterns in me so vividly…Boy, did I get a blast of my own insanity this week….and frankly, this junk hurts, and it makes me angry.

It hurts cos part of me is still learning how to let go, stop resisting…another part of me is in disbelief that I could have veered off so far to the left.  Angry cos I can’t go back and unplant the root of this stuff, nor can I blame it/them forever for all the ‘wrong’ that has happened in life. Those events were a part of my path, my lessons. Victim and blame is not a part of my destiny. And from the evil ashes of that abuse, I’m still rising stronger through every breakthrough.   So, yeah, this week I got pissed, I vent and complain about what I see and understand now  — but I realize it was and is needful for me.

Sure, my stuff first, but I’m also learning when others show you who they are, believe them and let them be.  Stop excusing and trying to make folks into who YOU want them to be…that’s not fair, that’s not love.  If this is how I’m gonna really get it…better myself, grow, move on…then so be it.  As much as it hurts, the Creator is not being cruel by showing me the pollution and contamination He’s cleansing within me.  I think this dreadful exercise will help me in the long-run…help me not to be so quick to judge others, knowing good and well where I come from.  I’m really looking forward to being an all-around better Lover.

I was in the bed one morning, thinking about this Test review stuff…and I was reminded of the process for pulling an achy tooth.  Funny how one little tooth can make your whole world ache.  You want it out, it’s doing you more harm than good…but who wants to go through the pressure, the Novocain shots, the soreness, the swollen jaws, ya know?  It’s gonna take pain and discomfort to get over pain and discomfort.  But when the healing is realized, you’re soooo grateful you went through the tough stuff — to get to the sweetness of relief.

Can life really go from sour, to bitter…to sweeeeeetness?   🙂


5 Responses to “Seeing to Believe It”

  1. disgodkidd Says:

    “It’s gonna take pain and discomfort to get over pain and discomfort. ”

    how i wish this was untrue…

  2. ashe.selah Says:

    Me too, D…hold on to the heart of the matter…”to get over”, bless :-)!

  3. Kafo Says:

    i don’t know relationship diagnosis is tough and sometimes i wish i did it sooner but i guess at least you know, so yeah be angry at yourself but this i believe is all part of the learning process

  4. Jewells Says:

    “Can life really go from sour, to bitter…to sweeeeeetness?”

    All I can say is…I surely hope so. Sigh…

  5. ashe.selah Says:

    @Kafo: Yeah, it’s one of the toughest lessons of my lifetime…relationships. And not cos the “ones” were soo bad, but because I was so blind.

    It’s a good thing to SEE your blindness, and to now be wide awake :).

    @Jewells: Bettin’ my life on Yes, girl!

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