Love, Approval…I Don’t Work for You Anymore!

October 21, 2008

OK.  So I’m here half chillin’, half working at one of my coffee house spots where I work on the book.  The organic peach tea is soothing today, as always.  Need it…as I try to figure out how to write about this — again.  My series of recent retirement notices.  See, I’ve written this post in my head for a few days now…wondering (if and) what I’ll finally say before I click publish.  How can I describe this season of self-discovery…my current Eureka!?  How can I write about my choice…after a lifetime…to now retire from love.  “Love, or what I thought was love…I don’t WORK for you anymore.”

Lately, my time in healing solitude has been spent going over the Test.  Seems like a natural progression…I’ve faced a ton of garbage from sexual abuse, made strides in forgiving myself and others, recovering and functioning well again…Now, with my mind back, it’s like the Creator says, “OK, now let’s review…so if you see these questions and patterns again, you’ll know.”  For some life questions, my methods and answers were right on it.  For most questions, however, I missed big time, doing the best with what I had.

I think the final catalyst, after several slaps in the head realizing what I missed, was running across the words from this post at Mike’s blog.  Had never been there before, and only drove by for a look-see cos someone landed here from there, according to my stats.  Little did I know, the last sentence would hit me dead in the chest.

“Our value must come from God’s unconditional love for us, or we will find ourselves pursuing the approval of others and trying too hard to earn something from people that God gives freely.”

People, I laugh to (and at) myself now, but frankly — I’ve been workin’ waaaay too hard all my life lol.  I just heard Sophia from the Color Purple… “All my life I had to fight!”  LOL!  After I read those words, the movie reel in my mind took off.  How many fights did I get into back in the ‘hood, proving my loyalty to my homegirls.  Heck, how many confrontations did I have in college, cos I was protective of my friends, male and female.  How many extra miles did I cross (alone) for those I wanted to accept me, be close to…  One such person even told me “you try too hard…”  Funny how words come back around, when you don’t get them the the first time.  Ever have that deja vu moment with Truth?  Wow.

My broken and abandoned little girl took it upon herself never to be abandoned again by proving and working and showing her worth and value to others.  And for some reason, as I got older, I never stopped.  Well, it’s been a lifetime now…and I’m finally ready to rest.  Ready to retire and relax in my Me-ness.  I get it now.

Or do I?  Now that I think I get it, it makes sense why I spend so much time either alone or with family.  I’ve got some (self) DATING to do!  I have got to take a break and get to know and LOVE me for me…for real.

How wild it is to work and pay dearly..for what the Creator freely gives.  I was an Economics minor with high honors in college…funny how I didn’t understand the Economics of Love till now.  Go for the free, unconditional Love, girl!  Regardless of my demand, the Creator’s supply is endless…I’m ready now to really get to know Him as my soul Supplier, and in doing so, I’ll grow to be a better, more well-rounded woman…on the inside and out.

So, this is my current assignment..another leg of this healing journey, or maybe for a new lifetime.  Develop a true, Divine Love for self.  Be OK with being Me, pleasing Me — not others.  The challenges I see?  Once again — Balance.  The tough chic (rest in peace lol) is gone now, and I’m all loving, soft, and intimate…I’ll learn how to balance these new feelings, exercise wisdom with boundaries, give, love, do for others without expectations (or is it pre-conditions?)…I’ll learn when to say when, protect myself from being used (or is this a backwards move…remants of fear).  Alright, class is in session, and I’m open…I’ll sort all this stuff out in time.  Ashe.Selah


4 Responses to “Love, Approval…I Don’t Work for You Anymore!”

  1. Jennifer Says:

    I love the large metaphors you use — retiring from love, which as you get into it means something very different then one might think in the beginning. Enjoy your new career! 🙂

  2. ashe.selah Says:

    Thanks Jenn! Retirement party first LOL…then learning how to occupy all that time and effort I used to give away for the wrong reasons…yay Me :)!

  3. […] Test review this week (looks like I’ll be here a while…feel free to catch up here and here), I found myself NOT wanting to see anymore.  I wanted to get up, kick my desk, and run out the […]

  4. […] words were worth a thousand pictures.  Nine hundred and ninety-nine of them told tales of toil, near hits distracted by attractive counterfeits, scenes of searching for even the slightest […]

Leave a Reply

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in: Logo

You are commenting using your account. Log Out /  Change )

Google+ photo

You are commenting using your Google+ account. Log Out /  Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out /  Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out /  Change )


Connecting to %s