Got Weeds? Sow Anyway

September 24, 2008

“Oooh, you’re in big trouble now. Trying to make a comeback…talking all this ‘rebirth’ stuff. Look at the mess you’ve made!”

I don’t share my negative thoughts here to give them any importance, energy, or truth. I share them, because I know I’m not the only one in the sphere who’s thought them…made mistakes, and is sometimes challenged when it comes to being gentle with yourself…sound familiar?

But truth be told? I did jack things up :-\.

Nobody told me a change of heart would be easy. Neither the change in and of itself, or the consequences that would surely follow. Especially since I had gone pretty far down my road to the end. All I know is (now), it was the right decision not to leave here, and I’m very grateful to God, family, and friends for the support.

Now. Let’s talk consequences and clean-up. Today, we’ll be visiting the finance department.

Ever since my decision two years ago, my financial integrity has been shot. Jacked up. Non-existent. How can I put this? When you’re busy planning the perfect death (that won’t look like a suicide), making provisions for your girl to be the replacement wife/mother (what madness!, we don’t even speak anymore lol…bad choices all around), and preparing for final rest arrangements…the LAST thing on your mind is paying bills. For what? Any of them…taxes, student loans, credit cards. Right. All I knew back then was — escape the pain…nuff of that.

So, now as I’m rebuilding my life, some of that stuff has come back with a vengeance. There’s no denial in me…I must pay, and keep my promise. I want my financial integrity back. But, doggone it an $800 out-of-the-blue hit to the monthly budget would cause anyone to have a fit…what the?

When I got the letter recently…yeah, of course my jaw dropped. But also with that came my invitation to the party. “The Pity Party will begin in 10 minutes!” Man, for a few moments…I wished I hadn’t, I wished I could’ve choosen differently, oh if only I had, it’s all my fault…yada yada yada through the tears. And there began the battle…the fight for Truth. Here ye here ye…I had not come this far to stick my head in the dirt of my mess!! Let it get the best of me. If God was able to bring me back, He’s able to care and provide for me where I am. So that’s that. I’m hoping and praying hard for negotiations, lenience, and understanding.

What’s all this got to do with weeds? Well, that’s just what some circumstances are…weeds. They spring up not only to drain resources from the LIFE of your garden (that’s right, your efforts and hard work are harvesting LIFE, my friends), but they also come to discourage the sowing! Ever look around and say, “I just pulled up weeds…and they’re back already?!”

I won’t lie and claim it’s easy…cos it ain’t. But no matter what comes at you, resulting from your own actions or not, don’t ever stop sowing! Work the baby steps & accentuate your positives. You keep putting those seeds in the ground…keep pushing for your goals, dreams, keep working those plans, keep making your comeback *wink*…no matter how many weeds sprout up waving at you.

I believe the harder we keep trying, pity parties will be replaced with celebrations for a harvest we had no idea was possible. Ashe.Selah

9 Responses to “Got Weeds? Sow Anyway”

  1. stuffjourneymemberslike Says:

    the thing about weeds is you have to dig up the roots. that’s hard because it hurts! i feel so encouraged by your growth- i’ve been going through a lot of growth, myself. god is really stretching me. though it’s difficult the master gardener is good. thanx for sharing the twists and turns of your journey!

  2. ashe.selah Says:

    Roots? You mean I have to be serious about uprooting those pesky greens *smile*? You’re exactly right. And I depend on the Master Gardener to pluck the ones I can’t or don’t want to reach.

    Blessings through your stretching season…who knew you could feel growing pains physically, mentally, and spiritually….Please pass thru again, and keep sowing :)!

  3. Jewells Says:

    Yep, I needed to read this today!

    It’s funny because I’m sitting over here sulking in my situation, but to read about yours makes mine seem less trivial.

    No matter what, we MUST continue sowing seeds. In sowing, something is bound to begin life, grow, and prosper.

    You are beautiful, sis. Your growth is amazing. I have tears flooding my vision to read what you have been through. The fact that you are here to write it is tangible evidence that He has a plan and purpose for your life. You ARE here for a reason. I am encouraged by you!

  4. ashe.selah Says:

    Ahh Jewels…ur too sweet, girl *dabs corner of eye*! I really appreciate that. One of the scariest thoughts I douse weekly, if not daily, with Truth is — that all the drama will be for nothing, or just for me to go through and come out…in a vacuum. So, thanks for the cheer to keep my grip on the Water hose :)!

    I hear/read the stories of others’ hardships or losses (Darfar keeps one grateful and praying, doesn’t it) and I straighten up right quick like myself lol. But everyone deals and heals differently, and even that can change moment by moment.

    Just hold on to your Truth, sis…”In sowing, something is bound to begin life, grow, and prosper” :).

  5. Kafo Says:

    Thank you jare. I’m tired of people who claim to have this whole changing their lifestyle is a walk in the park rhetoric, i feel you. In retrospect it like WHY DID I but now i am like okay man up (everytho u are female and handle your biz)

    don’t worry you will overcome
    and when it comes to financial integrity you are doing better than Wall Street so hang in there

  6. […] Last week on Ashe.Selah [in my soap opera announcer voice], I shared my quest to regain financial balance and integrity, and explained how some things are/have come back with a vengeance.  All the while, I’m watching CNN thinking, yeah, I’ve got some big debts to repay myself, but I don’t know how or where to start…feel ya on that, Wall Street. […]

  7. ashe.selah Says:

    Sounds like you got the memo, Kafo. Change ain’t easy, but it’s possible, and worth all the effort.

    I’ll speak for me…it takes practice to live a regret-free life (if that’s even possible…cos some stuff…man!). But like you said…you man/woman up…and you overcome in purposed time.

    Keep your head up, my friend :)!

  8. […] been saying for weeks, “Somebody’s gonna get us in a car.”  Now, we’re all familiar with my financial challenges as I rebuild life.  My credit’s pretty much reached a drastic level, having gone so long without payments […]

  9. […] June lol).   I’m working on ebill pay, with hopes it will be a useful tool in rebuilding my finance department.  I’m cleaning out that infamous junk drawer in the kitchen (how’d all this mail and […]

Leave a Reply

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in: Logo

You are commenting using your account. Log Out / Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out / Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out / Change )

Google+ photo

You are commenting using your Google+ account. Log Out / Change )

Connecting to %s