September 11, 2008

I do it almost unconsciously, so I think lol.  {Crunch}  And it’s not like I haven’t seen the scale count by fives one good time.  {Crunch}  Having lost 30 lbs. and kept it off for a good year plus…yeah, 5 does matter.  Don’t laugh.  I say I don’t want to go back, but at the rate I’m lovin on chips, stick pretzels, and other snacks late at night….I have GOT to get a grip on it!

See, this week marks the first week with hubby working the 12-hour night shift in private care.  Night shift.  As in all night till morn.  It’s kinda shook up our schedules, to say the least, and given the house a different feel.  Sure, it’s quiet, perfect for writing, but I find myself checking and double-checking locks more, hearing sounds I would otherwise ignore, and let’s just say the trees around my house create some interesting shadows when the light hits them just right.

Scared?  Nah.  It’s just different.  I miss the companionship.  Knowing he’s here, somewhere in the house.  I’m not used to sleeping alone…which is probably why it’s been hard to fall asleep.  Where’s that warmth I’m used to?  The pillows just aren’t the same.  Neither was that bag of chips I brought to bed with me while I watched some TV. I know good and well I now have to get the kids up, keep them on task, and take them to school…used to be hubby’s lane, and I slept in.  Now, when we’re leaving, he’s coming home.  Oh well, you adjust :\.

I’m grateful to God to even be in this place right now.  Of missing him.  Wanting him.  This year has almost been the death of us….wiped us off the map.  So much has happened.  It’s weird.  As someone who’s milked the heck outta being an anon blogger, been butt-naked in here more times than not…I couldn’t even blog about it.  Too angry…to hurt…too much going on, on both sides.  A lot of forgiveness to spread around.  But we’re still here.  And I believe this nighttime reprieve is probably just what we need…keeps the heart moving and growing towards fondness. Absence has a way of doing that, you know.

Still, this work outside the home stuff is monumental for hubby, who ran a home-business, and was primarily Mr. Mom since the infamous year of ’06.  For the past two years, he’s worked with the kids, cleaned, grocery shopped, cooked, did laundry, chauffeured…he pretty much did all the things a wife, in the midst of a breakdown & therapy, didn’t have the capacity to do.  With ’08 being my year to really start my life again, graduating from crawling to walking (you have no idea how major it is to stand on your own feet again…maybe you do), I’m glad he’s able to resume his life too.

Somedays, I really regret the hardship and pressure my lifejunk placed on hubby and the kids those years.  It was what it was, something we had to go through, I guess I just wish alot of things wouldn’t have happened.  I still wonder (just sometimes…I’m mending) why I had to experience what I did.  And Lord knows, I hated to ask hubby to come off his 9 to 5 that year, and work from home with me.  Actually, not with me, for me.  You see, my life at that time depended on me filling the at-home suicide watch position.  I couldn’t trust me.  Hubby didn’t learn of his hidden role or my plans till a year later, as I got better and came clean.  {Sigh}  So much has happened….that’s one reason why I write…to make sense of chaos.

Ok…enough of that for now.  I sprung a leak just remembering…throat and chest tight.  Breathe, girl.  Man, writing those tough chapters are gonna be just that, tough…to think through and express the emotions and feelings through my characters.  But for now, I get to do so under the tranquility of nightfall, and get as ugly as it takes to write about my demons and deliverance…in between text games with hubby :).


6 Responses to “Companionchips”

  1. disgodkidd Says:

    was here…

  2. Rita Says:

    I’m really touched by this write up…just wondering all you and hubby went through individually…And I must say, he sounds like a great man

  3. ashe.selah Says:

    Hi Rita and welcome to ya :)! It touches me back when others can feel my story…in all its trauma and triumph *smile*. The scenes of our lives are oozing over here, so feel free to visit anytime, as I do the same.

    Hubby IS a great man with an even greater heart….mi amor :0!

  4. Transitions can be really tough. Give yourself time, sometimes that’s all that’s really needed – time and a little extra care maybe. Not for long, just for a little while, until you adjust. Hang in there!

  5. Jennifer Says:

    It’s hard when our pasts spill over into the present and our partners have to pick up the slack — but that’s part of what marriage is all about, and I’m glad your husband could take over some things (though it sounds like it took a toll: I also understand that whole process of forgiveness!). You’re doing great!

  6. ashe.selah Says:

    @CK: Thanks lady…I think the more I approach this with a grateful heart, the easier it is. To be honest, I’m actually excited to be able to do for the family domestically again. We take alot of things for granted…I’ve been that Mom with the covers pulled over her head or locked in the bathroom, just wishing she could get it together…cook, wash uniforms…God I’m so thankful :)!!

    @Jenn: You said a mouthful, girlie…that’s part of what marriage is all about. I wish I could get more of my single friends to understand how much WORK and SACRIFICE a marriage addition to the companionship and intimacy.

    Yeah, we’ve both paid a pretty hefty toll for this stuff. I’ve got…let’s just call it a feeling…that our marriages have both taken dips in similar forgiveness pools. Still learning and growing in this thing called marriage, go figure :)!

    I appreciate your cheers…*smile*!

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