Back on the Bike

August 28, 2008

I don’t know what happened. But I know why. And it will happen again, until I am promoted from this “grade” to the next. The lesson you ask? Being tender with myself as I grow in renewed confidence.

Confidence is one of those things that takes practice. To me, it seems like it’s birthed in the fires of life, not in the fields of tulips through which we tiptoe. Perhaps if I hadn’t looked on someone else’s paper with envy…hubby’s life, Dad’s life…I wouldn’t have gotten so distracted and frustrated with myself.

Give me a pen, pencil, typewriter, keyboard and a half decent word processor — and I’m good to go! Words melt like butter. I’m relaxed. Peaceful. In the groove.

Now. Put me in a crowd, and stick a mic in front of my lips. Public speaking 101. My heart races. My words trip over each other. My vocabulary goes grade school. Get the picture of what happened today?

How is it that hubby and Daddy could walk into a room filled with strangers, and before the night’s over, everyone is hanging on every word dripping from their mouth? Can I be a hater for a sec? Sometimes, what hubby’s saying isn’t even accurate lol. I, of course, have played along…we’ll talk in the car on the way home lol, but the “audience” treated every word as gold.

As I presented today, the resident expert on my product, I saw deer-in-the-headlights looks, doodlers, and the fake smiles that seemed to say, “boy, I’ll be glad when she’s finished” or “why is she here again?”

When the meeting was over, and I was finally by myself, I wasn’t very gentle with me at all. I tried to replay things I said, and how I said them. My voice cracked so many times. And I broke the 1st and 2nd rule of presentations….1) Know your audience , and 2) get the meeting’s agenda beforehand. Bottomline, I wasn’t as prepared as I could have been, cos I didn’t know the “players” in the room (and there were some big ones), or what they wanted to hear from me most. Never again will I fall for the, “just come and talk about X”.

During that untender moment, I began to focus on all the negatives, to the point of tears. Why? Because I’m still evicting old patterns of perfection. Super me. Pride. Always on my A game. But has that ever really been realistic?

I forgot alot of things today. I forgot to honor 3 of my 4 agreements with Me…to never take anything personal, never assume anything, and be alright with doing my best. I forgot that ’08 marks a new beginning…o-u-t out for me after two years of isolation and verbal lockdown. I forgot that it’s not realistic to think just because I decide to make a come back, that there’s not process, practice, and time involved.

Wanna know the worse part of stuff like this….I am probably the only one who feels I flopped horribly today! Self-judgment, regret, not feeling adequate enough, fear of rejection, the need for other’s approval — wow. Those things are not as strong and debilitating as they used to be, but they’re still on some strange kind of life support. I pull the plug, I put the plug back, I pull the plug…ever seen this vicious cycle within?

So, I had to talk and fight my way back to myself….while telling myself to shut-up lol. Change my tone and my tune. Take the gloves off. Love all that I am today, cos I’m still growing. “Aye, chic, keep ya head up…learn from this, the more you try, the better and stronger you’ll be at it. And experience breeds confidence.”

I’ll get back on that public speaking bike again soon…scuffed knees and all. Ashe.Selah

4 Responses to “Back on the Bike”

  1. disgodkidd Says:

    still cheering…

  2. ashe.selah Says:

    …and I You, D..thx!

  3. Cynthia Says:

    I’m more nervous going up there than when I am giving my speech. Talking comes easy…it’s getting UP there, that’s hard.

    Kudos for being gentle to you, though. 🙂

  4. ashe.selah Says:

    *smile* Funny. Getting up there…talking…going back lol…it’s all a challenge now. But I think embracing more opps to just do it will help me get to “talking comes easIER” :).

    Appreciate the kudos, girl. Sometimes ya gotta pull the emergency brake, and do a quick switcheroo on where your thoughts are going…

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