Moving Forward, Waiting For Reverse

July 28, 2008

What lies behind me, calls before me. Only bigger and better.

Better. I love the sound of that. It’s been a min since I’ve done a health update. Sometimes, not talking about stuff gives you that well-deserved reprieve from the facts, while you do your very best to invest energy into the Truth. Truth is….there is a healed and whole “me” I’m catching up to….mind, body, and Spirit. We’re very close to each other…I can feel it :). I cannot find words to explain how I long for “us” to stand in the same place and time… purposed Time.

Facts? I’m in what I found out last week is called the “waiting period”. Are the cells gonna keep turning left or veer right?

I mentioned after the 4th that I was gonna try a new health regimen. I’m actually on day four today. Decided against massive doses of hormones…ugh….and now I’m taking crisis doses of cell food. Huh?

I’ve decided to address my health at the root…the cellular level, and give glyconutrients a try. Glyconutrients are dietary supplements made from plants that contain essential sugars needed for optimal cell-to-cell communication. Miracle cure? Nah. But with the declining nutritional value of our food supply, hey, why not give my cells a boost with with pure, natural cell food. It costs a grip, but it’s better than my alternatives. So, here’s to the next 4mos of waiting, watching, and praying….while my cells eat right….a powder plus 16-20 pills a day…from antioxidants, to supplements for women “issues”, to intestinal and colon-based supplements. Sounds like fun, huh lol?

When I was in FL planning my new regimen, the family friend asked what was going on…what were some of the diagnoses. While I was able to communicate the word fibroids and other dis-ease within my creative center, when I got to the words pre-c_____ to describe the cells as the doc had, man, I lost it. My throat got tight…I tried so hard not to cry, to be strong and walk this leg of my journey like a champ. Then I remembered, I’m not Superwoman anymore. And I’m not hiding how and what I feel anymore. She said the words for me… was like if I said the words I would immediately drop dead (that’s what I felt). It’s just that….6mos ago, I watched that disease consume Daddy from a front row seat…an evil thing, it is. Pre- or not…I don’t want that word near ME…don’t EVER use it in the same sentence with MY name! Not miss never-been-sick before (other than colds/flu, kid stuff like chickpox)…before the world caved in.

I was actually looking at dates recently. When did these cells turn south? My last annual test before May ’08 was in ’06…everything was normal, healthly, nothing to report. By the summer/fall of ’06, I had lost it mentally, emotionally….broke down…and apparently my body began the process of “your wish is my command”.

Some may not get this…but I am where I am in my health because of what I created in my mind, body, and Spirit. No, don’t take that as I’m beating myself up, because I know it was created out of ignorance, I didn’t know how to handle everything I was going through (and would go through in 07 and 08…what a ride). I’m a stubborn chic..relentlessly pursue what I want…and when I decided to die, I put ALL my energy into secret planning and preparations. Ya think my body wasn’t taking notes? It was. Am I writing my book so that others can take away something from my experiences? I am.

I believe God has this big ‘ole eraser lol…He’s given me back my mind, I’m functioning a whole 170 degrees better than those horrible days (a minuscule 10 degrees are under construction..Woohoo!…He’s got those too). What’s worked for the mind can work for the body.  Abnormal cells of unknown origin?….if I can create chaos, don’t I also have the power to create harmony, wellness, and balance?….Is there any mess too big for God, who IS Love, to clean up? Anything too damaged to reverse the harm and make it even better than the former?

For now, I wait. Most times patiently and faithfully. Other times tearfully in doubt and fear. This is all so new, so scary….and I’ve never had to exercise Faith like this before. First week in November, the wait is over…and we’ll see where things are. Regardless, I believe God is able to do what frankly I cannot see…not right now, not yet. Ashe.Selah


12 Responses to “Moving Forward, Waiting For Reverse”

  1. Sharon Says:

    Oh I didn’t know about the fibroid! Sorry to hear about that but you are absolutely right – God does have an eraser for stuff like that!

    My mum had to have a hysterectomy a few years back (yeah, the F)…it was traumatic for the whole family and I’m the one who got to spend the whole 2 weeks with her in hospital! Praise God she has recovered and is doing very well – even though she mourns the loss of her flat tummy (amongst other stuff). Imagine.

    I’ll be sure to remember you in my prayers. God bless you.

  2. Faraja Says:

    Ashe, I think I have some gaps in my reading of your blog, I didn’t know about this health situation…but I will stand with you in faith and prayer as you go through the next four months of hard work (both in the natural and spiritual). Looking forward to a positive report come November. And what you said is something I’ll take on board too for some things in my own life right now…”Regardless, I believe God is able to do what frankly I cannot see…not right now, not yet”. Amen to that!

  3. Cynthia Says:


    I know we don’t know each other in real time but I understand you. Watching my mom changed me…and it took both her and her mother out, so I’m worried the same will happen to me.

    If you ever need to talk or vent to a complete stranger, you know where I’ll be. 🙂

    Stay strong, be good to yourself and put your health FIRST.

  4. ashe.selah Says:

    @Sharon: Yesss, African-American women and fibroid tumors…God help us *smile*. I remember when the doc found them, how I was all bent outta shape…now, I have even bigger fish to fry — but not without God by my side…

    Glad your mom is doing better. Fibroids are not hereditary by blood per se, but by life and thinking patterns….so keep yourself, your Spirit as stress-free as possible…let stuff go, man…hurt & stress we store away WILL accumulate in the strangest places. Just a little encouragement (my moms was in the same boat as yours, too!)

  5. ashe.selah Says:

    @Faraja: Yeah girl. I try not to give it too much energy on here, so there’s probably a post or two missed. I really appreciate your support and prayers, Faraja, and will keep ya posted on things. Let’s both hang in there, and hold fast to that which never fails…God’s Love :)!

  6. ashe.selah Says:

    @Cynthia: You DO know you are just a DOLL, right?! To be understood so rocks me, esp. when life has been so crazylicious lol, and you wonder if you can explain it “right” for others to ‘get’. {Exhale} Thank you.

    I have to say, I honestly njoy the connection with my favorite strangers *smile*. Sometimes those on the outside can feel ya better than those on the inside (make sense?). And having changed so much over the last three years, I guess it’s refreshing not to have the “well, you use to…” in my space. Those who were really on the inside have accepted new me, just like a stranger saying, “so nice to meet you!”

    Thanks for being there…and I for you…you know where we hang :)!

  7. disgodkidd Says:

    God doesnt want you sick thats why he did something about it even before you was born….i rest my case.

  8. ashe.selah Says:

    Amen to that D…I’m living every provision prepared for me, before there was a me…bless u :)!

  9. Jewells Says:

    We fleshly folk sure have a way of allowing our thoughts, doubts and fears to manifest in our lives.

    I remember when I was in the Air Force and was having female problems. When asked, I told the doctor that I was not sexually active but he swore that he found sperm inside of me. Basically he called me a liar. Fast forward about six months when I got out and went home to my family doctor. I found out that the “sperm” was actually pre-cancerous cells. Can you imagine my angst. I thought I was going to die and it was all the military’s fault. I gave my problems so much energy that I added on more problems.

    I am doing much better these days. Cancer never developed. I believe that we give the doctor’s diagnosis too much weight. We forget the The Doctor above knows more than any man down here. So we do have to put our trust and faith in Him.

    I am praying for you, sis.

  10. ashe.selah Says:

    Wow, Jewells. Not only can I imagine your angst (that’s the best the military could do?), I can feel it, smell it, taste it…it’s all more real than I’d personally like it to be *smile*.

    But I needed to hear this….the been there, done that, it is well. I think the whole Daddy-cancer thing hit hard….and the doc visit was to address fibroids & suspected endometriosis…who knew, right?

    Case you haven’t guessed lol, I used to be such an independent, self-sufficient woman…EVEN when it came to God…”I got this God, I’ll call you if I need you.” Wow, the greater the trial, the more we let go and realize where our TRUE help lies. I’m def learning and growing :)!

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