Dangerous With a Knife

July 21, 2008

Moms got jokes. I haven’t always wielded my blade. Used to be afraid of knives…for this purpose. The cut would hurt me more than it hurt them. Life-threatening. I’d need the blood transfusion faster than they would, so I thought…but there may be some truth to that, I dunno. All I know is, I didn’t foresee Moms asking about a childhood friend, but I answered with a quickness and resolve that shocked even me…”I dunno how she’s doin, Ma…had to cut her.”

I called Moms to see how she was recuperating from the trip. Her and Son had just gotten back from a train trip to D.C./Maryland to see my big bro (woo hoo, son’s first train ride!). Initially, she wanted me to go, but I couldn’t bcos of work…Remember, me and Moms are “dating” right now lol…getting to know each other minus the masks, secrets, resentment, blame…taking our time, doing great. During our closing small talk, “Hey, how’s Paula doin?” After my answer, she gave me that oh-lawd-im-sorry- but-i-knew-something -was-up chuckle and said, “Girl, you are dangerous with a knife.”

When she said that, I thought about how hubby and reeeal close friends tease me about my old fighting days. To this day, hubby calls me Sis. Icepick lol….cos I “ran off” some chics that were trying to holla at him in college. People, I didn’t do anything of the sort, for real LOL! I just walked onto the scene where they were chatting, and said “How ya’ll doing?”. It was tooo funny…they just left..nervously. You would’ve thought I had a knife in both hands (maybe my presence was enuff lol…funny).

Ok, back to the cut. So, over the past three years…I think life itself got so dangerous that I had to “get there” with it, dangerous, get up on it, ya know? My M.O. in close relationships…those involving deep emotions, care went like this…like workin’ on the stock exchange floor, saying with a proper voice, {clears throat} “Excuse me, pardon me, I’d like to make a trade pretty please.” LOL! Puhlease! I rarely rocked any boats. Took it upon myself to keep everybody (including me?) happy. Can you say LIFE will get AT you…and you’re either gonna get sick and tired of being sick and tired, or be consumed…

But cut? A childhood friend at thirty-something? Yeah, unfortunately. Seems kinda drastic on the surface, doesn’t it. Let’s just say, there are things you learn about people when your hubby’s cell phone accidentally calls your number that sometimes, even thirty years can’t prepare you for. Let’s also just say, some things you don’t need to learn about people a month out of burying your Father (God, I still have questions about that timing thing…can a sistah catch a break in ’08…but Your Grace was sufficient as promised). Relationships are WORK people, marriage AND friendships (a whole ‘nother post).

I’m not writing this to give any energy to past pain, hard feelings…there’s so much more to the story…some things I/we still may not know nor understand. But after I hung up with Moms, and thought about Paula, growing up, memories…what stood out in my mind was, strangely enough…I had forgiven and let go…and I could cut without hemorrhaging to death from a loss of bl(ove)ood.

That’s really what it was all about…pattern(s) in me that needed to be broken. Accepting whopsided relationships, take whatever you give me, for the sake of friendship/sistahood. That fear of abandonment and rejection (see those tears on the blade) — it was MY responsibility to deal with, not anyone else’s. I’m telling you, the “toughest” and “strongest” folks you may know, are actually the softest creatures on the planet, who just want to be loved :).

Ever notice, the harder something is to break, the more force (pain) is needed to break its outer shell to penetrate the core. The only child within me’s quest for sister…love, respect, loyalty, fellowship…my desire and commitment to give it back double. What a hard, but needful heart-opening realization to experience…neither sister love nor any other human love can stand toe-to-toe with Agape‘….Divine, unconditional, supernatural Love from God…..welling up from that secret place deep within, where He placed it before my birth…saturating every dry, cracked surface of my soul.

Now, I’m accepting me on equal footing…love it or hate it, I’m intense, ok lol. I live to give 110%. As loyal as the day is long. BUT! Learning how much to give to who and when. Worth receiving every bit of what I give out. Balance with myself and others…it’s the middle name of the Reciprocity Game. A game I’ll play for life now, or cut and pull back….my choice (and yours too). Ashe.Selah


5 Responses to “Dangerous With a Knife”

  1. Cynthia Says:

    You sound like me!
    But it can be scarily strange how easy it is for me to “cut” people. Especially when I’m sick and tired of being sick and tired.

    I had a conversation with my dear friend over my mini break over how some people feel that your loyalty, friendship, relationship is OWED to them…let me fix your little red wagon real quick. It’s work from both sides if you aren’t giving from a pure place like I am…hit the road. No time for suckages and naysayers!

  2. ashe.selah Says:

    Ha!..Funny, Cynthia (red wagon lol).

    A relationship IS work from both sides…how crazy to think I could do it all (I told ya’ll Superwoman was dead lol).

    In retrospect for me, I don’t think it was an “owed” mentality in the mix necessarily. I was just figured out, read, consistent lol…most times it was just me pouring myself out without coercion…I let others off “the clock”, they “let” me keep pouring. Now the tap is closed, unless we can pour and toast together..that’s the best :)!

  3. Sharon Says:

    In Other Words – TAKEN FOR GRANTED!

    I think I’m reeelly gonna have to wield that knife real soon! Sounds so much like me; I keep giving and giving – it’s always Sharon’s there for us but nobody cares that sharon needs too. They just think I’m the strong one…. I’m tired.

  4. ashe.selah Says:

    And here’s what I had to realize, Sharon…I was making MYSELF tired. Couldn’t point the finger at nobody! People will take and take — bcos we let them.

    Where’d that pattern in me come from…giving and giving? What kept me from expressing what I need or that I had needs too — this I can accept, that I can’t?

    The answers usually aren’t pretty, girl…but it’s an ugly door sometimes that leads to FREEDOM :)!

  5. […] of good-bye’ (read fear of abandonment).  Over the past few years, I’ve had to cut folks pretty deep.  And I’m not just talkin’ bout a co-worker, or a fellow parent at the […]

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