Last, But Not Least

July 12, 2008

Hmm, certainly not.

We often save the best for last. We eat our desserts last, we (usually) end up with “the one” after many failed relationships. And who doesn’t cheer when an underdog wins. For me in my rebirth, feels like God has saved the worse for last. Or rather, Me, Myself, and I…WE are smack dab in the middle (or maybe the end) of allowing God to save us from the worse. One last push.

I have this love affair with words, right. I usually love when words rock me…when they inspire, encourage, evoke a sweet emotion, reveal a beauty I’ve missed, teach me new things. Funny, how this love is strained…when words are laced with Truth that hurts, words that call you out lol…reveal you and your stuff to you.

It was only 9 of them. Nine was more than enough. Though me and Jenn’s point of views are slightly different, the relevance and Truth remained the same. And I haven’t stopped rocking since.

“I don’t need his acknowledgment to know I exist….”

After reading those words, I closed my browser, cut off the desk lamp, and got up. I was so done. I teased her with loving hate for writing those words. She understood what I was saying (thanks Jennifer). It was just…pretty rough (and amazing) to see the last hurdles of my journey described so succinctly, but truthfully by another…with no personal knowledge of my stuff, but their own personal experience that describes what I know, what I don’t want to know, what I want. Feel me?

In that moment, I wished I was there..sure footed, solid. No longer wishing for what I must learn to live without, and be ok with it. (What a tripped out concept…learning to live and be ok without something you’ve never had, but thought you did.) There’s so much strength and courage in knowing that you are alive and well and alright….with or without the acknowledgment, acceptance, approval of another.

I’ve been very blessed to overcome many of my “demons” by the grace of God. Don’t trip, you’ve got some too :). During those years at the height of clinical depression and thoughts of suicide, I had to use a phased approach to healing. It was too much to swallow all at once. So I started where it started, phase A, and worked long and hard to forgive the guys who snatched me as a kid. Man, you can only imagine the nightmares, the walking flashbacks. Awful place to be…a grown woman running from the TV, sticking my head in the toilet when I saw men of this race. I hated them. My senses remembered…yes, even from 5…their smell, their skin. But as awful as it was, it wasn’t too much for God to heal…that gaping hole I thought was soooo big..God filled it completely with as little as an eyelash. Don’t get me wrong, sometimes an old thought will run through my mind, but I’m not gripped with fear, panic attacks, nausea, and hate anymore. I forgave them and released the blame I placed on myself. God be praised right there for that! I can accept people as individuals without projecting to them.

Man…the worse for last. Seems kinda odd to be able to forgive strangers before family. But it is what it is. I’ll never see those guys again. Family doesn’t work like that. Even when “family” is not around, family of family is.

Can I just say this right here…an ebonic side bar with me, myself, I? I don’t want to be fake with NOBODY. If I don’t want to be around YOU, I’m not go be skinnin’ and grinnin’ with yo folk! But, God, their “folk” wanna hang/be around me, call me, e-mail me, love me, be family…they have no clue of the deeds done…and I feel like a phoney, the bad girl cos I can’t see them without seeing THEM right now. The deeds will never change our blood, and they had nothing whatsoever to do with it…{So why are you making them pay with your unavailability, standoffishness…”girl, I’ve been so busy…dude, I’ve been runnin”…true, but even if I weren’t, what? And doesn’t accepting people as individuals without projecting to them apply to family too.} Uh oh, I am wearing myself out with the real lol…oh the battlefield within.

An eyelash won’t do. Feels like I’ll need God to straight up lie down in this hole to heal every horrendously crippling effect. Heck, I long for the day to let my own Mama show me affection, touch me without cringing, or panic. Crazy. Here’s a definition of maddening torment for ya — fearing what you crave.

I’ve made a ton of progress with this last chapter. There’s more to go, in this fight to the finish. Lately, the pages are as heavy to turn as a steering wheel without power steering fluid. Deep inside, I’m convinced…sometimes things get at their worse JUST before the breakthrough. And if there’s any validity to that, I’m on the brink of completion, and the spiritual warfare is going to another level for which I must prepare myself…I’m playing for keeps too, ya know! Bottomline, I have GOT to stay dressed. Ashe.Selah


11 Responses to “Last, But Not Least”

  1. Cynthia Says:

    It’s really one step at a time and you’ve come far so don’t get discouraged. YOU have got yourself THIS far, don’t forget that.

    Family, I believe has caused more demons for most people than strangers. Just due to the fact that family will always be family BUT you (and I’m learning too) aren’t your family. They don’t define you and you can stand strong and get thru it. And, if it really gets that bad…learn to let them go. Life is too short to let anyone or anything cause you that much misery!

    Sending your hugs and warm thoughts. 🙂

  2. ashe.selah Says:

    Cynthia, I’m too late, girl :). The window of opportunity for me to give up has come and gone *smile*. I’m (we’re) still here, and I appreciate your encouragement to fight on…

    I dunno man. I’ve completely let go the offending fam (tho they tried to make a comeback last year and earlier this year). I guess my lessons right now are accepting people (even family) for who they are (just wish they didn’t look sooo much alike lol). You’re right, life is too short, and health is too precious.

    Jus wish it didn’t hurt so bad, still. But this is all a part of my training, my boot camp. Total forgiveness is a supernatural experience..can’t do this in my own strength. The day I share with others and speak about healing and forgiveness…won’t be what somebody told me, that’s for doggone sure…hugz back atcha, chic :)…

  3. Cynthia Says:

    Even though I hate this adage…it fits but “what doesn’t kill you makes you stronger.”
    You might not see it all the time but it’s true. You keep on ticking and YOU WILL keep on going! We both know it. 🙂

  4. ashe.selah Says:

    …knowing AS we go, girl :)!

  5. Jennifer Says:

    I read this a few days ago and have still been mulling over how to frame my words Haven’t really gotten there yet, but didn’t want to let this sit anymore.

    You are strong and you have faith, with a goal in sight. With healing will come forgiveness. It’s a long process, as you know, and facing up to that pain is not easy. But you are up to it. You are present.

  6. ashe.selah Says:

    Jennifer, it means a lot to be thought about, and to have beautiful cheer-readers like you, girlie. I appreciate your words, and I’m planting them in rich soil right next to mine….I am strong, I am healing, I am at peace :)!

  7. disgodkidd Says:

    silent but present.

  8. ashe.selah Says:

    …and accounted for, D :)!

  9. Jewells Says:

    God makes forgiving and forgetting so easy. I think as long as we are in the flesh it will be an evergoing battle.

    Keep keeping on. You’re pulling full steam ahead.

  10. econmommy Says:

    Thanks for sharing. I’m in a very similar process of healing. During a prayer/deep healing session the other night, we called out and cast out more than 20 demons that had influence and attachment in my life. I feel so free. The difference in how I look at the memories is amazing–and a bit surreal. I pray that God will continue to do His good work, His healing work, in you.

  11. ashe.selah Says:

    @Jewells: He really does, girl…and the more I train my thoughts in this manner, it becomes easier. My flesh is a trip, and on an hourly killing cycle it seems lol (killing resistance, resentment, bitterness, anger…you get the drift). But every battle comes to an end…and I’m expecting a happy ending, somehow.

    @Econmommy: Thanks and welcome to you! I’m so glad you shared that, how encouraging. Healing IS spiritual warfare, and I am overcoming as the blood of Jesus Christ first, and by the words of your testimony *smile*. God is able. I hope others will do the same through my words, my verbal and written testimony.

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