Playing Doctor

June 20, 2008

Ok, so. I had this theory right? Cos I know MY body, and just maybe Ms. Doc, even though you’re a board certified holistic MD, you may be barking up the wrong tree. Let’s see…..When I do X, the symptoms and pain show up automatically. Yeah! Maybe it’s X…stop doing X for a minute and see if the symptoms and pain go away. This way, I won’t have to take those icky pills.

Dontcha just hate smart, know it all people. I told ya’ll I’ve been this way from a child, smart(alic) in more ways than two lol. Yeah, I stopped X and the symptoms came back anyway this week. I thought the evidence was so clear. But I wasn’t asked to think. They did ask me to get on high doses of hormone therapy, allow it to alter my body’s natural functions, and if the symptoms go away in the process, they’ll kindly diagnose me with something that has no medical cure. Alrightie, woo hoo…sign me up! Yeah right….what the? What kinda jacked up plan is that, doc?

Since I’m outta theories and test plans, doggone it, I guess I’ll be (re)starting the regimen tonight. I gave it my best fight (ie. resistance). Need I say how ticked off I am right now. I’m battling hard for the sake of balance and a positive attitude…right this sec, all I have is attitude, and thus the vent.  But I maintain a brewing passion to help others see how emotional pain can and does attack the physical, in this season as a poster child :).

I was balled up in bed this morning with the heating pad. Gotta call from hubby. We may be getting a visit this weekend from the last person on the planet I ever ever want to see again. Yeah them….folks, when it rains, sometimes it pours.

Oh Lord, I wish they would go away (how do you make family go away, just one person, but keep their children and siblings in fellowship, huh?…answer me that!). A sistah just doesn’t need this right now. And as I started feeling angst about them being in my presence, perhaps even coming to my house, an overwhelming fear came over me. Now hold up…wait a min! I’m not ’bout to let n-e-body make me fearful in my own house….where I pay bills (see my neck and eyes rolling lol?). I already gotta take those pills…this may be the wrong time for them to fool with me lol. My angst is turning to anger, and I feel old Washington Park (my ‘hood) rising up in me. I thought to myself, “I could just haul off and kick their arse and get it over with….swing first, talk later!” But what could I physically do to them that would give me back thirty plus years? What could I strike them with hard enough that would erase the pain and influence their crap had on me? God, why can’t I just forgive them from afar…why you gotta let them come into my space?

Yeah, I hear You…I don’t like it right now, but I hear You..and I will submit. There’s a healing and a level of forgiveness for me that I’m catching up to…it already exists NOW, I’m on my way to it….where I can be in the same room, and it won’t even matter to me anymore. I won’t feel the anger, pain, sadness, shame….and neither will my physical body be in an uproar about it either. Total healing. Total wholeness….from the Great Physician who never loses a patient. He hasn’t lost me yet….in the meantime, I’m grateful for the promise. In between time, I vent.


3 Responses to “Playing Doctor”

  1. amzolt Says:

    Whoo-Hoo can I relate! Drugs, venting, relatives, doctors… Whew!

    I’ll leave the family stuff outa this comment and focus on drugs and doctors:

    Aug. 06 to May 08: On Citalopram, Lisinopril, Interferon, Ribavirin, and Epogen… Treatment and drugs-for-the-drug’s-side-effects for Hepatitis C.

    Been off the Interferon, Ribavirin, and Epogen for almost two months–during treatment I was oppressed in the abyss; now, I’m struggling up the cliff face–should reach the plateau in four more months.

    The docs think I’m gonna stay on the antidepressant and Blood pressure meds “forever”…


    I’ve done my depth research and I’m slowly weaning myself off both. Ive also way-boosted my nutritional intake and am exercising as much as I can with the nervous system and muscle damage from the eleven months of “treatment”.

    I sure hope the virus in my liver is dead but, in any case, I’m going to be drug free, even if it kills me… 😉

    ~ Alex

  2. ashe.selah Says:

    Good for you, Alex! Stay the path man. I too exercise more than I ever have before….even had my first shot (oz) of wheatgrass for those super nutrients. Med-free, natural, and healthy is the only way for me…that’s where I’m going, doggonit :)!

  3. […] I thought would go totally in another direction. I thought I’d be recouperating from a harrowing visit, and bracing for pharmaceutical side effects, being the natural woman I […]

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