Small Starts

June 16, 2008

Hey. Remember this wall? The one leading upstairs. Yeah, it’s the same one, where 8mos ago, my kids tacked the welcome home banner for me. I’d been away for weeks in L.A. when Daddy had his brain surgery. Yep, it had been a part of the house all this time.

Well, as of yesterday, one of my best Father’s Days ever, I took it down.

Why was yesterday one of my best Father’s Days….when it was the first one since Dad’s passing? Hmm, no supernatural fanfare, no thunder and lightning from Heaven. By the grace of God, I arrived at a state of readiness, and decided to make a small start for a big change….Letting go.

I think it was the song that helped. What don’t I do without the influence of Music.  Music races through my’s a life line…as it was for Daddy, a jazz pianist back in the day. From the first note till the last, I felt he was with me. I felt the memories of him playing this song a gazillion times on full blast. Ooooh we (the kids) used to get sooo put out by replay #11. “OMG…Daddy’s gonna play it again?!” He’d say, “ok…ok…one more time.” We knew that meant 20. And for every repeat, he’d walk through the house, or he’d sit there with his coffee, gaze off into another space with one hand raised…tears rolling down his face — “And IIIIIIIII will always love you….”

That cleansing cry I yearned for….finally started yesterday, as I listened to this song, one hand raised, and let the tears flow. May sound crazy, but I could feel Daddy so close. It became a joy to remember, no longer pure pain.

Folks, it only takes another drop of rain to cause a flood. One particle of air to burst a balloon. Never forsake your baby steps…for there’s one inside of you that will blow the lid off the entire ordeal….to the point of no return *smile*. Yesterday was my breakthrough, and I’m so grateful to God for the small start with life changing results I can feel… Ashe.Selah


5 Responses to “Small Starts”

  1. Cynthia Says:

    See. Just how you gave yourself time to take down that sign. Remember to give yourself that time to grieve for your dad.


  2. ashe.selah Says:

    Thanx, girl. I’ve gone up/down the stairs several times today and it just makes me smile…can’t believe I found the strength to let my banner go….

    I’m slowly starting to get the hang of letting Time be Time…here’s to more and more practice :)!

  3. Jennifer Says:

    I’m glad you were able to cry — those tears were in there, you just have to let them out! 🙂 And they honor the memory of your dad, too.

  4. ashe.selah Says:

    I’m feeling so much better, Jenn. Living and experiencing such a milestone is translating into a scene in the book…we’ll see how it plays out in print :)!

  5. […] Ahhhhhh!!! Is that the best or what?!!! But that’s not all. In the background, I could hear my girl Whitney cranking up….‘If I, should stay, I would only be in your wayyyyy…’ One of my (and their Granddad’s) fave songs, I Will Always Love You, remember? […]

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