Spurts for Father’s Day

June 14, 2008

Gotta chance to cry last night. No, it’s not that I need an appointment, but those 3min felt good. A quickie is all I have to give myself. All I have had since January. It’s been 5mos since Dad passed, I’m on my first Father’s Day without him, and for some reason….I still have nothing but….spurts.

I have to fight this self-conscious thinking, you know, people outside my head telling me I’m not grieving right. Maybe I just don’t know how…being the virgin at this that I am. And let me stop and thank God for the lack of practice right here…I’m not trippin’ by any means *smile*….Just wish I knew….how.

How to have that cathartic cry where, when it’s all over, I feel cleansed…it’s all over….I’m good…I feel better. How to remember him without losing my breath under this enormous weight of grief. How to delete his name and contact information from my cell and house phones. How to ward off images of his cremation. How to put his picture back up on my mantle, instead of laying it down. How not to let the same memory that contributed to his brain cancer, debilitate my health. How to clean out all of his medical and burial papers from my favorite planner (no wonder I’m not very organized right now…can’t crack that joker open for nothin’). And the big one….how to interact as family with Dad’s side…my sisters, bros, uncle here in the ‘A’….AHHH! I can’t be around them at length…our interaction boils down to occasional e-mails, texts, and myspace messages here and there right now. They only remind me. And I don’t want to remember.

But, neither do I want to forget.

The text from my lil sis read, “wat u doin for fathers day”. Six words almost broke me in half. Folks, I’m not there. Not another memorial. I can’t do the sit around eating shrimp fried rice (one of Dad’s faves) and laugh and joke about how funny Dad was. I never responded to her text (by accident…my “I dunno….” was still in ready state in my cell, never sent-oops). I won’t start assuming what she thought, but…she didn’t text again. I wonder, though, if that was weird for her. Why? Well, I don’t know if there’s a word in the dictionary which means “daughter who takes over the patriarchs role and responsibility”, but that’s what I was in the course of things. Leaned on, looked to, responsible for, and tugged on more ways than a million….in addition to having my own kids and husband….not to mention, having to deal with “their” re-appearance. Now, I’m non-existent. Barely returning phone calls/texts. Ya’ll figure it out. Guess my needle is past “E”….bone dry, without the slightest fume to make ANYbody cough. I need to be renewed, refreshed…and 5mos just doesn’t seem to be cuttin’ it….

I tried bouncing this whine routine off hubby…nothin’ doin… “don’t be mad cos I’m not jumpin’ on the bandwagon…You can’t stop being family cos of what happened. I didn’t pick you, God picked you for this.” Whatever. Who asked him anyway…..for all that Truth :)!

Well, a sistah’s still gotta lot to let go. I’ve still got some thoughts to change. There are still places to liberally apply non-resistance (my current kick). It will be interesting to see where I am next month, next year when I re-read this post. I hope to be like, “girl, you made it through it all!” I’ll be farther along, closer, my heart will be lighter, and I will be healthier too….minus the pain and anger. Felt good to be real with what I was feeling, and now, allow transformation to continue.

In the meantime, spurts help…. Ashe.Selah


7 Responses to “Spurts for Father’s Day”

  1. disgodkidd Says:

    ((((((((((ashe.selah)))))))))))….from someone who knows! BTW, i got some good news.

  2. ashe.selah Says:

    Yes you do D…thank you. {hands covering eyes lol} Let’s see whatcha got lol :)!

  3. Cynthia Says:

    You can’t beat yourself up. Your body and mind will know when it’s ready for you to truly resign yourself to that cry. It took me a year to get there…to truly feel it and some days, I still do. (Today, might be one of them! šŸ˜‰ ) Give yourself time, all the time that you need. My thoughts and prayers are with you. If you ever need to talk, let me know. šŸ™‚

  4. ashe.selah Says:

    Cynthia…u r right in sync as usual. This was one of the hardest posts for me to write, and even when I finished it, I didn’t post it for 2 days. I hated it.

    Why? Because of the ugly pain and bitterness living in the space between each word. I even deleted a paragraph I think was for my benefit only. It’s not easy to call out your own “ugly” sometimes lol…but it’s the only way to truly beautify….

  5. Cynthia Says:

    Well…from reading your blog…I’m starting to realize that you sometimes you need to let that “ugly” show. You need to get it out of YOU –so that you can truly be free. But that can only happen on your time. Just don’t become chained to that ugly…I like to remind myself it’s like a caterpillar transforming into a butterfly.

    I also have to note that it’s often the hardest things to write or often the things that NEED to be posted. šŸ˜‰

  6. ashe.selah Says:

    It did feel good to get it out of Me…I was able to look at it, come at it differently than I did when the stuff was all bottled up.

    Girl, your words painted an image in my mind, that perhaps you weren’t trying to paint, but I needed it. Let’s just say, the WORSE thing that can happen to a butterfly is hanging and clinging on to that cocoon past purposed time….

  7. […] but I’m still pretty busy…setting up ’09’s foundation.Ā  Organizing my new planner (hoping I’ll really still be using it by June lol).Ā Ā  I’m working on ebill pay, with […]

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