Coming Out

June 5, 2008

I just felt like doing it. I knew sometime this year I would. I dunno what’s up with this year….so much has happened, and there’s so much left to happen. But to put a face, my face on the most intimate disclosures of my life…an identity to go along with the pain, trauma, and Triumph — Man, that’s major. This is me minus my twin avatar with the orange fro lol. Hi!

Now, let me be real, I tried to squish my face as small as pixelly possible lol…”Ashe who?…Isn’t that <enter real name>…she’s healing from what??!” Yeah. This is me. But seriously, after today, I doubt there’ll be this torrential outpour of “Hey, I know her!”, not when I’ve chosen social isolation for a couple of years now. But, guess what….I’m coming out of that too!

It’s a little scary….being around people, especially new folks. Before the call to deal with my crap and getting really real with myself, I LOVED to socialize…laugh and clown….be around folks…the more the merrier. But when my stuff hit, good Lord…I never knew levels and depths of pain existed like this. Remember, I was the prideful, judgmental one….would tell others to “just shake it off…what?!” Now here I was about to die. Yeah, I was shame. And I was convinced, if you looked into my eyes, you would uncover my pain, those events would play out before you like a movie reel. So, it just felt safer to hide for a while. Plus, I was tired of bursting out into tears for no apparent reason around folks…how crazy (I never let people see me sweat, tear up)…those were some crazy days of denial. Now, all I wanna do is love on people….

Not only do I miss hanging with my old regulars, some really cool new peeps wanna get close. “Hey girl, here’s my number…call me sometime…or We’re having a party…what’s your e-mail, I’ll send you the evite.” I’d like that alot…I miss people…connection…..but talk about what? How I’ve been isolated for two years, how therapy went, how I’m almost there, how I’m trying not say or do anything stupid to blow it…freak people out? I’ve “talked” through my blog since late Dec ’06…it’s safe…you can think about what you’re going to say before you say it…and if it comes out goofy, you can always hit that friendly backspace key lol. There’s no backspace key in the verbal world…and my one-on-one verbal has been on lock for a minute.

But I can’t shake the feeling of O-U-T OUT! Of change coming in the wind. My Spirit can see it, feel it even if my fears try to talk me out of it. The Spirit is winning, and I’m coming out regardless!!!…ahhh!…even if I have to crawl. And lately, the greatest Cheerleader in the universe has been rooting buck wild for me…God knows the time and seasons outlined for this journey….He knows I’m close. Look how far you’ve come, girl….the season for giving up, going back came and went a long time ago. All the way o-u-t is on the horizon. I’ll find a way to call…to party hearty again…introduce new me to the world..THRIVE!…..So grateful!


11 Responses to “Coming Out”

  1. Cynthia Says:

    Shout it from the rooftops be proud of you and this moment! Wonderful picture, be proud of what you look like…God made it and he knows what he’s doing (I have to tell myself that from time to time!). I would totally hang out with you if you were around these parts!

    I’m so happy that you shared something so strong and glorious! Wonderful, excellent post!

    I hope you feel as free writing as I did when I read it. 🙂

  2. ashe.selah Says:

    Cynthia…u have no idea (then again, I know u do *smile*). I appreciate your words, girl…got me a little misty…OH, I’m so soft now lol..and yes, feeling free in it! There is nothing I want more right now than to have all this stuff count for something. I refuse to believe this was all for me to go in, get through, come out — and that’s it! Huh?

    So, for those chosen to find me, read me, feel me, I’m very grateful for you. There’s an o-u-t for all of us…keep crawling, walking, skipping, and (your fave) running to get there :)!

  3. Jennifer Says:

    Hey, beautiful you! Now I have the Diana Ross song going through my head …

  4. ashe.selah Says:

    Too funny, Jen… “and I want the world to know, got to let it show!” It’s catching :)!

  5. Okay, that was the song running in my head, so all I can say is good for you!!! What a huge step. Oh, what the heck, I’ll join in the party, “and I want the world to know, got to let it show! I’m comin’ out…”

  6. ashe.selah Says:

    Thanks Clue!…Ha, the more the merrier :)!

  7. Congratulations to you! Reading your post was like reading some of my innermost secrets. Some of them I am willing to deal with; others I’ll keep boxed up in my little “denial” box. Baby steps 🙂 But, my day will come. In the meantime, let me send you my most sincere congratulations! I applaud you!

  8. disgodkidd Says:

    my wish came thru…not in its entire package but i can live with this….hey av got some interesting news on my blog, could use a few pointers from someone whos been there and done that

  9. ashe.selah Says:

    @Voice: Hey lady..welcome to ya! So nice to meet another kindred traveler *smile*. That makes me happy when my words connect to intimate places within others…I cheer your baby steps, and knowing that your pace is your very own. Your day is real, it exists even now…keep moving towards it, k? Thanx for sharing…and I’ll be by to read more about the passionately driven woman you are…cool :)!

    @D: Hey man, can’t wait to hear (read)…u know I’ve got enough change to leave you two cents lol…cu soon :).

  10. ashe.selah Says:

    Was good to be out like this for a sec…until my boss revealed she’s a wordpress junkie. Yep, back to visual anonymity…too close for comfort :).

  11. […] hugs to those I knew, introducing myself to others (folks, that is a miracle in itself…me? I’m workin’ it step by step. I digress). I briefly introduced myself to Tina…nothing major, just a […]

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