Zero Reference

May 9, 2008

My thoughts won’t be still, but that’s just a beautiful sign of life. Still though, searching for understanding and a point of reference that, in all actuality, does not exist…let’s just say I’m trying to be chill about things….maybe rambling will help a bit.

So, after going on a doctor’s strike since the three diagnosis in ’06, I’m back in the game. Why the strike? Two parts shock and one part denial, I guess. Might seem kinda backwards to some. But I don’t like doctors, their offices, hospitals. It’s just something about the smell (lol)…infirmities in the air…people suffering…too much! I got my fill of doctors and hospitals caring for Daddy…talk about strength with no muscles. My personal strategy was to try this health thing holistically…address the mental and emotional dis-ease that causes disease. Was two years of work enough to uproot the damage lived with for thirty? Hmm…

Let’s go back and find out. I’ve had 3 visits over the last 3 weeks…tests, ultrasounds, samples, blood work (needles — boo!). Been worked over like a rant mule, but thorough is good…get all you need so we can get this over with.

The results came in this week with good news and news just ripe for a ‘lil Faith…that’s me speaking through my Faith megaphone… “The results of my next tests will show those cells to be normal. All deficiencies will be brought to a balanced level. God is not scared of suspect (diagnosis) #4, either! The cyst has SHRUNK {good news…thank you Jesus!}, and the same thing can happen to the small tumors found.” Ashe.Selah

All in all…God be praised!! There’s a worse out there that I am graciously spared from experiencing. I am thankful.

But let me keep it real for all my other humans out there. I didn’t leave the docs office with this news shouting from my faith megaphone. Heck, I was (am) straight stunned! Deer in the headlights! What do you mean?! I’ve cried (tearing up now), I’ve questioned. I hate this! I’m mad! Why? Two main reasons. One, I have zero point of reference with sickness. My come from is one of never having a cavity, broken bone, no major illnesses from a child to ’06…healthy as an ox! Reason two has a choke hold on my understanding. How is it, that I can live life as a fake and fraud, got it together, all childhood crap dead and buried (so I thought) — and live a HEALTHY life? Man, I say yes to God, ok I’ll face it, I’ll let you change me, I want to heal, I’ll be your ambassador of forgiveness…and all freakin’ HELL breaks loose in my body…what the?!

Being a holistic MD, the doc tells me, “it will make a big difference in your health when you get the severe emotional pain under wraps…” Her words shook me, because before I walked into her office, it WAS under wraps (wasn’t it?). I was feeling rather strong, cool. Had my two years of work badge on nice and shiny lol..coming to her for the physical…thought I was pretty alright with things. Until. She got to the emotional health section of the New Patient app, and asked me about the sexual abuse, how old, how long, relationship with family….ahhhh. (I remember filling out that app at home and joked with hubby…like ‘oh boy…here we go, but it’s cool’. That’s how strong I was feeling, taking it light, no biggie, right?) How in da world I went from taking it lightly, to straight up loosin’ it in that exam room…you woulda thought the doc slapped me in my face lol. Man, I was so embarrassed…I shocked myself…{sigh}

So, I guess this is where I have to stop being spoiled (confession: I’m used to things coming easy to me) and give myself (more) time. Stay gentle and patient with myself. This is a huge learning process for someone who’s lived the opposite…I was pretty extremely hard on myself for things..everything was my fault…you can imagine the drill. The doc was on key, “be sure to LOVE yourself and get the LOVE you need…” My mom told me yesterday, “you have to STOP being so strong, and learn how to grieve.” Of course she was referencing Daddy, but it’s like too hard to even deal with him yet, because of the long line of other crap.

Anyways…had to get some of that out. So, here’s my goal in all this right now…Do my personal best to: Embrace the opposites (positive for negative, life for death). Speak God’s words, when I want to say otherwise. Make Him and keep Him bigger than the situation. Fake it till you make it. Feel it when you don’t feel nothin’. Say it UNTIL your spirit believes it, lives it. Do what the doc orders. Follow the new (stricter) diet. All while knowing, God wouldn’t bring me this far on this journey to leave me now….Ashe.Selah.

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8 Responses to “Zero Reference”

  1. Jennifer Says:

    You can do it. It’s all a process, right? Feeling the pain of the past and letting it go takes time, especially when those feelings are overwhelming and you’re used to keeping it together. As you know, they’ll come out one way or another. You can be strong and positive while acknowledging the scary stuff.

    I’m thinking good thoughts for you and wish you good health.

  2. ashe.selah Says:

    Hey Jenn!…yeah, it’s definitely PROCESS. Learning to accept, LOVE, Heal, Trust, Let Go, BE — Wow!

    I trust there are some beautiful reasons why we must be where we are right now, with important outcomes….even if they haven’t formally introduced themselves yet *smile*. Think I’ll hang in there to meet them :).

    Thank u sooo much for your words, bless u!

  3. Jewells Says:

    You are making tons of progress. This battle is not ours, but His.

    I love taking a hollistic approach to health. They don’t just go with the superficial…they get deep on you. Makes me want to see one about my back, though, I am claiming healing. Of the mind and body.

    Keep doing what you’re going because you are obviously going in the right direction. Many blessings!

  4. ashe.selah Says:

    Thanks for reminding me, Jewells….I was chosen for a role, but I didn’t write the play. Father Playwright has got this *smile*!

    Girl, you would be amazed (or maybe not) at how our thoughts and how pain shows up in our physical. I’m still researching this, but, they say cancer isn’t hereditary, it’s not a blood disease, BUT the mental/emotional PATTERNS of a family contribute.

    I have to stay on the path as ‘Oracle’ — the generational madness has got to STOP with me….


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