Unofficially Official

February 8, 2008

Why? Because I say it is! It’s amazing how much power I give my denial right now. I’ve gotta bad case of the D’s. And I know it. There are moments I vow to get it together, and other moments…..man, I just don’t know. And that truth really ticks me off.

I wanted to hide from my blog for a while. You know. You want your blog to be a positive space for people. You want readers to click away with a gladness for having passed through. I knew that if I write what I feel right now, my grief, anger, sadness, disappointment would all show through. It would have to, as I’ve vowed to be real and transparent with myself. I guess what I’m saying is…this is Me. A human with all these emotions who, at the present (that’s sooo key), doesn’t have a solid grip on it all. I’m riding the grief rollercoaster and I hate it with every fiber of my being. I’m tired of crying, the nightmares, the pains in my heart, the silent screams — I’m tired of everything. I just want him back. So there.

When I got the voicemail today that the death certificates were in, I think I got even more angry. Angry that life was trying to convince me he’s really, “officially” gone. {With rolling eyes and neck} Says who? My spirit got really obstinate — I don’t care who says he’s gone….you can give me a million pieces of paper that say so….this is not happening!

Some days it’s like he just disappeared. Like the past 6mos never happened. Other days, I look at his picture, and it’s like I don’t even know who this person is. Can’t be my Daddy. I don’t know who that handsome cat is lol. {Sigh} And though I know he didn’t feel a thing…he was already at rest…in no more pain..blah blah — I see him in flames, man (cremation)…even more now than I did when I cared for him…washed his face….applied lotion to his skin…changed his wounds. I don’t know WHAT was in that urn. There’s no way he could fit in there!!! Ahhhh!!!! A glimpse into this stage of grief?….Deny everything…he never existed…I never knew this person. Unhealthy? Sure, if I stay here (which I won’t). Defense mechanism? Absolutely! It’s just too much right now!

My lungs were just learning how to breathe extreme healing. Wounds were on the mend after years of work. Now this. But what’s been coming to my mind lately is “The God who brought you through those terrible waters is able to bring you through these.” And even though I wasn’t on dry land with that other stuff yet, at least I had learned how to swim. That’s great progress, girl. Swimming into a tsunami with fatigued arms and legs?….wow, what in the world am I suppose to do with this?….

My decision? I’m just gonna float for a while. I talking really get my clueless drift on lol. Don’t know the where’s, when’s, or how’s. I’m just gonna have to trust that I’ll wake up one day on a beautiful island that won’t be a fantasy, but my true destiny. Father, take me there…and we’re off! Ashe.Selah

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