Empathy with Jack?

January 14, 2008

Killer. Insane. A threat to humanity. Just a few words used to describe him. His acts? Horrid. Lawless. Playing God….

Seems strange that with such negativity looming over Dr. Jack Kevorkian, I would think about him and his plight, as I pondered Daddy’s situation, and my God-given assignment as his guardian. My siblings always tease me…”Well, you got the power”, i.e. power-of-attorney. But I can say with all certainty, I wouldn’t wish this power on anyone. I actually avoided it as long as I could. All power ain’t good to you power, ya know?

So, here I sit. On Love’s shoulders, holding on tight. Powerfully torn. Powerfully caught between a rock and reasons that make sense, but don’t.

See, everybody in the family heard him. His thoughts and wishes about growing old and death. Especially his jokes…”If you’ve gotta put me in the livingroom, and prop me up with a kickstand, do it lol! Just don’t let me die. Put me in the rocker on the porch, and start me to movin…just don’t let…..” People, meet my rock.

What a difference constant pain and suffering (brain cancer and renal failure) makes. Now with communication reduced to a mumble, and life confined to a hospital bed, how can I resist wanting to join him as he cries out to God to die. I admit it. There are moments I pray for death too, and in the next breath, please don’t let him go.

Some days I feel death would heal the sadness in his eyes….just lying there miserable and waiting. It would free him from the pain of a simple touch by us. Dad has said, “I’m hurting, I’m aching, I’m tired, I’m miserable, I’m EVERYTHING!” And so… I want to take him off dialysis, which is guaranteed to speed up the dying process. As the doctors explain it….He’s not eating any more anyway….no waste in the blood to clean.

BUT who am I to make that life or death call? Who am I to say when someone has had enough……..when they’ve said “I want to live”….and they’ve said “I want to die”. And why won’t these doctors and nurses quit asking me, in essence, to kill my Daddy. And why can’t I stop seeing more pros than cons in the idea. People, meet my reasons that make sense, but don’t.

One of my older sisters in Cali says, “Girl, God chose you to carry this assignment…you were chosen.” One of my younger sisters (yeah, poppa was a rolling stone) told me last week, “…I trust you girl, you’ll make the right decision.”

This test feels like childbirth. The closest a woman comes to facing death, all by herself. For even with hubby and Mama rootin’ for me…cheering me to push…only I could deliver the baby to light.

I know I’m no Kevorkian, but this weighty position has caused me to see things differently, too.

Hmm…Maybe, just maybe, I’ll see that God chose the right one for this job, and the decision made will be the best one. Maybe I’ll see myself as He does…empowered by the Creator with purpose, even now. I believe in that possibility….Ashe.Selah


3 Responses to “Empathy with Jack?”

  1. disgodkidd Says:

    ashe.selah, he leads us along the paths he himself has been. and he doesn’t leave us at a cross roads he himself didn’t stop to ponder. it doesn’t make it any easier i know, but at least he’s in the same spot with us. words are inadequate so i’ll leave you with a hug…(((((((((((((((((ashe.selah))))))))))))))))))))))))) and a scripture..2 corthn.1v3-11. grace to you

  2. ashe.selah Says:

    Comforting words, D…thank you. And big hugz back atcha bro. Kindness always finds its way back home…returning to you 🙂

  3. […] He finished his course today…God’s decision was perfect and final…will be back to say more to myself later *smile*.  For now, it is […]

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