Strength Without Muscles

October 11, 2007

welcome_back_mom.jpgThat’s the supernatural promise I heard ringing in the my heart over the last week or so. Strength without muscles. I look down at myself in this season of life and see nothing but skin and bones. Whatamy supposed to do with this? So, I cling to this promise for dear life, becoming one with it as He laminates us together.

I never saw it coming. No one in the family did. We made it through our ‘til next time soon‘ farewell. Only, next time came quicker than we thought, and brought with it elements that would forever change our lives.

Daddy has been diagnosed with glioblastoma, an aggressive malignant brain tumor/cancer. He’d only been in L.A. for two months. Before his relocation, he was totally self-sufficient (bathe, cook, clean, feed, drive at age 75). What in the world is going on?! After falling twice at his senior apartments and being taken to the emergency room, a CAT scan and MRI would eventually reveal the reason for his falls. Sure wish I could understand the reason for the reason sometimes…

I’m back from L.A. (I missed home so much…my babies made this beautiful banner for me), having spent the week with Daddy and my sisters and bros. We were all in reaction mode. No time to plan. Taking it all in as we could. We’re all siblings ‘from anotha motha’, but blood no less. Daddy had the tumor removed on Monday, but the report states it will grow back aggressively and his survival time is 6mos to 1 year. BUT, last time I checked His report, Father God was still the custodial guardian of seasons and times. At this point, I just want his final days, months, years to be joyous and happy ones.

I’ve been blessed to have very little experience with the death of loved ones. This is all so new, so awkward, so gut-wrenching, ya know? Right now, I don’t know how to prepare Daddy’s life for rehab and long-term care. Right now, I don’t know how to be the ‘big sis with the answers’ to my younger siblings AND convince the older ones to release the offense (He wasn’t there for me during my childhood either…but we still must HONOR him). Right now, I don’t know how to coordinate with doctors for his radiation treatment…I’m still stuck on “Daddy’s sick?”. Right now, I don’t know how to get him back to GA to be with more family AND arrange for 24-7 nursing care. Right now, I don’t know how we’re going to give Daddy the best AND cover the costs for the best. Right now, I don’t know how to feel…grief overwhelms me without warning and the pressure is unbearable at times.

BUT, right now, I thank God for His GRACE! Grace that is adequate for this time in all of our lives. I am grateful to God as He flexes his muscles when mine feel non-existent, or at best, like a bowl of melted jello. I give Him all my weaknesses and limitations, and He’s replacing them with His strength and provision beyond every ‘right now’. Yes, I boast in the fact that I don’t know. The weaker I become, the stronger the power of Christ can ‘know and grow’ in me. Ashe.Selah


3 Responses to “Strength Without Muscles”

  1. […] wants for an ill loved one, especially a parent, is to see them suffer. Well, as of yesterday, Daddy has decided not to undergo any treatments whatsoever. Radiation and chemo were sure to deplete his […]

  2. […] suffering…too much! I got my fill of doctors and hospitals caring for Daddy…talk about strength with no muscles. My personal strategy was to try this health thing holistically…address the mental and […]

  3. […] Hey. Remember this wall? The one leading upstairs. Yeah, it’s the same one, where 8mos ago, my kids tacked the […]

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