Real With Him Too

August 6, 2007

One thing about me…now. I enjoy trying new things. It comes with the new territory. Being two years newly free in mind and self. My rebirthday is actually this month. Sure, I would step out occasionally into the unknown before that time….but it was harder to do with me boxed up… less frequent, less free. Now, I try new things more often, in every area of my life, my gifts, I challenge old beliefs….and many of my life nevers have now become my norm. Hmmm.

Recently, I discovered a new norm in my relationship with God. 2007 has proven to be a year of transparency and nakedness for me. And while I’m not running nude through tulips at the park (though my rebirth has made me wanna do that lol), I have kept things really real with myself, family, and others…open honesty….butt-naked truth if you will. I realized just lately, I’m doing the same thing with the Creator.

Ever go through struggles in life, thorns in your flesh, circumstances where you need God’s help, but your mind told you it was stupid, embarrasing, or completely unimportant?…And the only way you’d face God about it was “Lord, help me” or “Lord, You know my heart” lol…but would never come out and say what’s bothering you? Well, here’s a new norm for me — I don’t judge what I feel, what I go through anymore. I am unashamed to bring anything BOLDLY and SPECIFICALLY to the Father because I realize now how much He really loves me.

Last week, I started going back to the track for some laps and me time with God. I love praying at the track. Sometimes those laps feel like the journey of Life in my muscles lol. But I love being surrounded by nature’s air, I can tune out the world, and the sky feels close enough to touch.

So, I’m walking, running, jogging, strolling…and a heart dump comes over me…goes a little something like this: Father, this is what’s up…..[specifics in black and white] is bothering me. I am totally frustrated with…. I am grateful for….. But I want…. Thank you for…. I know I don’t need…. You have what I need. I don’t know how not to want…. Teach me? Help me with….? And why does……still hurt so bad. How do I handle….. I’m innocent, but can’t prove it. Be my Counselor? I’m trying so hard with….. I’m trying to be patient with….. …..has broken me, can you please mend me? Make me new and shiny there? I don’t know what to do with…. I can’t do anything with any of this. I’ve tried. I realize my last Hope was really my only Hope. I’m sorry. OK. I bring it to you, God. I need your help…….

Man, I dressed nothing up. I’m calling stuff outta me I would never admit to God or myself. Everything I’m feeling. Things I don’t want to feel. Things that bother me. Things I need help with. In totally plain and specific language..holding nothing back. And it felt wonderful!! I didn’t tell God what He didn’t already know, but I’m giving Him me…exposing myself (to myself?) like I never have before. He made sense of all my ramblings and is showering me with grace this very moment.

Maturity has a way of showing you…you’re not as self-sufficient as you think. Guess I used to think to pray specifically about something was an admittance of a problem, a hurt, a flaw. Hmm…God forbid I be honest with myself. Like not praying about it would hide Truth from the Father. Funny. Freedom from self-righteousness, pride, hypocrisy and more — Priceless.

How beautiful it is to come boldly before Him in realness and truth, and seek His help and guidance when I need it most. Freedom has cost me everything, but it has exposed beauty I’ve never seen before. A beauty that is now my norm. Ashe.Selah

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5 Responses to “Real With Him Too”

  1. disgodkidd Says:

    oh this is so sweet. i love the way you write and word your thoughts. hurry up with that book already – am first in line. i just wanted to be the first to comment. i’ll come back and talk abt the post. am sneaking to read this in office time.

  2. asheselah Says:

    LOL! OK…shhhhhh, I won’t tell. We’ll chat later =)!

  3. disgodkidd Says:

    growing up as an only child i learned to talk to myself a lot. so it was easy to turn my prayer sessions into a talk session. sometimes i would mentally pull up a chair for God and just begin to dump on him. telling him stuff i would only think in my head. i think the friendship relationship God has offered us is a beautiful gift, and one that we should really take advantage of. it makes prayer less of a task. it makes dependence easy some. it keeps communication ongoing. sometimes, i even feel guilty that i havent prayed bcos i havent done the whole kneel down and close your eyes routine, but just mouth off at God every now and then. true, there is beauty in God, the only thing is that beauty most of the time rises out of ashes. and thats the hard part.

  4. Helen Says:

    Thanks for reminding me, that there is beauty in being able to come to God and pour out my heart before him!

    Helen

  5. asheselah Says:

    @D: I so know where you’re coming from…who else did we have to talk to on the regular lol!

    That notion of a friendship with God is dear to me, D…and costly. To wear the title of a true friend of God takes trust and obedience….the same things that burn beauty INto you…leaving your junk in ashes…go figure *smile*!

    @Helen: As you pour Helen, He won’t let one precious drop touch the ground. I believe that!


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