I’ll Clean the Front, You Get the Back

Sometimes, it’s pretty amazing to me…what kids pick up.  Kids are like sponges…they don’t make a sound, they don’t call attention to themselves…but, all the while, they’re soaking up everything around them — conversations, visuals, etc.

Last year this time when I was taking care of “Granddaddy”, I didn’t take notice to just how much the kids were watching me in action, listening.  Well, last night during dinner, I realized they “got” more than I thought they did…let’s see.

Hubby had left for his 6p-6a shift.  Daughter and Son were doing homework at the dinner table.  I’m at the stove cooking one of their favorite meals (fish sticks, corn, rice), and Son asks, “Ma, are you going to eat at the table with us again…let me put you a chair right here?”  “That’s ok, I’ll get it, baby” I respond.  “No, I got it Ma, I’m gonna have to take care of you anyway when you get old.” Get who?  I smiled, “OK, Son. Thanks.”

Now…lol.  I’ve already spoken here about taking a break from the elderly…still working on that.  But I thought I’d take a chance, after that enlightening comment lit up my reality, to share some feelings with the kids.

“Hey, can I tell you guys a secret?”  “Sure, Ma!”  There is no better way to get my kids’ full, undivided attention, than to tell them you’re gonna share a “secret”.  All pencils stopped moving, and there were four wide-eyes staring dead at me (I’ve told my kids some interesting stories about growing up…they’re always ready for the juice lol).

“Well, you guys know that Mama’s birthday is next month, and just then…when you talked about me getting old and all…I’m…umm, kinda trippin’ cos I’ll be forty in a couple of years…What is that about?! {they laughed}…Man, I can still remember being YOUR age!”  Now, this was no where near the juicy stories I’ve told before…but they began to think and tie things together just like they always do.

Almost instantly, Son says, “So Ma, they have diapers for grown ups?”  Son comes at ya front and center, boy.  “Yeah…they’re called adult diapers.”  “And that’s what Granddaddy had?”  “Yep…he couldn’t walk anymore…couldn’t get to the bathroom, you know?”  “So, you had to see all that?”  By this time, their faces are all wrinkled up, noses squished….and I’m trying not to laugh…seeing them piece together their thoughts of taking care of me, like I did Dad.

Finally, after taking it all in and assessing the situation lol, Daughter chimes in with her resolve.  Guess she thought she was callin’ “shotgun”.  “Ok A….I’ll clean the front, and you can clean the back!”  Folks, I tell ya…we all fell out laughin!.  Then, of course, they had to put their kid perspective on it…take it to the silly-giggly level.  Son says, “Uh uh, I don’t want the chocolate, I want the lemonade!”  “No, I’ll get the lemonade, you get the turtles {candy}!”   By now, I’m dying laughing LOL!!!!

Well, it looks like I’ve got MY diaper duty coverage in the bag.  I think it’s important to instill in our children that life is a cycle.  And just like our parents cared for us as babies, there may come a day when the parent becomes the “infant”…and the roles will be reversed.

Until then, as Daughter says, “Ma, you’re gonna be a Grandmama in chucks…I just know it.” 

I See Old People

I couldn’t for the life of me understand how my brother could do it.  Sure, I was just a pesky little sister, ten years his junior, and lacking some understanding about the world, family, and interactions.  They never seemed to bother him. Their limited, and oftentimes awkward motions.  The heavy breathing.  The scent of memories wrapped in mothballs.  As a child, old people made me nervous.  They just did.  So, limited contact was just what the doctor in my little mind ordered.

We watched Mama take care of Grandma at the house for years. Though, Grandma would correct me to say she was an independent dweller *smile*.  She was…had her own room, bathroom, shelves in the fridge.  She eventually moved into a senior highrise by the time I entered 5th grade.  I didn’t get it.  How did brother do all those sleepovers at Grandma’s crib, just him and her.  I often wondered what they talked about.  How in the world could a one-on-one with Grandma be fun, exciting?

It wasn’t until I got older that I realized allll the golden nuggets Grandma had in her possession, just waiting to pass them on.  Worth a million times more than the peppermints she kept in her glass dish by the door.  I made Grandma a special character in the book.  A flash role with a subtle impact you won’t see unless you’re open to it…I can see it and feel it so deeply…

Fast-forward to last year, and the front lines of caregiving for a dying parent.  I saw some of the most ugly facets of growing old, sickness.  Seems like when Daddy progressed to infancy…having to be fed, bathed, diaper changes, administer meds….when it was all over, I regressed back to seasons of childhood.  And right now, I’m having some difficulties being around the elderly.

Case in point.  Attended a volunteer planning meeting for one of Daughter’s clubs at school (I promised myself I was gonna be more active & visible this year…it’s going).  When we got to the fundraisers planned for the year…. “and so, we’ll visit the seniors in the nursing home…maybe adopt a grandparent…and in December take them gifts…”  Jotting notes during the meeting, I could not set my pen to paper on this one.  I just kept nodding my head, but my insides were twisted like “I’m not going in there”.

Last weekend, me and Mama set a date to go to the movies.  I initiated the outing, wanting to show her effort and desire to re-build our bond.  The morning of our movie trip, I call, and she tells me one of her friends wants to go with us.  Now, don’t ask me why, but movies with Mama feels like movies with Mama.  Movies with Mama and her friend initially felt like hanging out with two old ladies.  I tried to wiggle out of it, “If you guys wanna go, we can do a raincheck.”  “Noooo, I want to hangout with you….you can still be your crazy self, she’s good people.”  Guess what, I had a good time with those two ladies….

This week….hubby keeps mentioning me and the kids meeting his client, Mr. Levine.  Strong and coherent for 101, he IS 101!  Mr. Levine hasn’t been feeling too well lately.  Hubby loves what he does, but it can be emotionally draining at times.  Bottomline, the thought of meeting Mr. Levine makes my chest hurt, and the tears flow.  It reminds me, man….it just reminds me.  I don’t want to say hello to anyone I’ll have to say good-bye to in a heartbeat.

I’ve said all this to say…I’m in this approach-avoidance conflict with seniors right now.  I don’t like it, it’s all assumptions and in my head, but it’s real.  It’s what I’m feeling, and I keep trying to protect myself, distance myself from the threat of pain.  Saying good-bye to Daddy ripped something outta me…maybe it’ll grow back, maybe it’ll just re-appear, or maybe I’ll never see it again.  Maybe I don’t even need it anymore.  I don’t even know how to define this ‘it’.  I just know it’s gone bye-bye.  And the place where ‘it’ resided…yeah, it’s still there, just void now.  Funny how I can still tell where void lives….when it’s…void.

I didn’t expect this side..this angle of grief.  Boy do I miss my Dad.  Maybe this is all just prep…so one day, if I’m blessed to become a senior, I’ll be able to comfort some young thirty-something woman, and let her know it’s ok to feel what she’s feeling….{rearranging my dentures} “Chile, when I was yo age, I felt the same way ’bout old people some days….”  (-: Ashe.Selah

R.I.P. Daddy

He finished his course today…God’s decision was perfect and final…will be back to say more to myself later *smile*. For now, it is well! Ashe.Selah

1/22: OK. I never saw the memo. Or read the fax for that matter. Never had to. It should come as no surprise, tho, but it did. It’s a heck of a lotta work to plan a funeral! It really takes cloning yourself to get everything done…Whew! For the past few days, my second brain has been Mom. I gave her the title “sekki-tary” (secretary…for the challenged lol). She’s been step for step with me, pen and paper in tow, jotting…thinking of all the things I need to do, ask, say, don’t say, don’t do…so grateful.

Let’s see, how am I right now…….err…ummm…arra…Nope! No words yet. None sufficient to describe the depth and breadth of emotion….next!

I’ve been thinking alot about the chronology of things…the past 6 mos?….let’s see:
Aug. – Dad relos to L.A.
Sep. – Dad starts feeling ill…alot of falling
Oct. – He’s diagnosed with brain cancer
Nov. – We relo him back to ATL to care for him
Dec. – Speedy decline, on the front line of caregiving
Jan. – We lay him to rest

Wow…right now, it seems like everything happened so fast. Where’d the time go, ya know? But in actuality, if I look at the weeks and days and hours….it’s been such a long, hard road…for Dad first and foremost…but one graced with the favor of God nonetheless.

I remember thinking back in August, “Is this the last time I’ll see Daddy?” Guess the answer to that question was “No”. But I never saw him coming back with cancer, and I would have never picked this start for ‘08. I know, who would right?

Hmm..then again, yeah, I did. The sweetness of rest compared to the way he suffered..the way we had to watch and couldn’t make it better, couldn’t make it stop… Come to think of it — Heck yeah!…this was the BEST start to ‘08 that I never dreamed. What a gift…his rest…without agitation, fighting, never had a seizure…just simply took…his…last…breath, and went to sleep. A beautiful peace.

OK…all for now..next surge of energy, let’s talk family folks…lordy!

Empathy with Jack?

Killer. Insane. A threat to humanity. Just a few words used to describe him. His acts? Horrid. Lawless. Playing God….

Seems strange that with such negativity looming over Dr. Jack Kevorkian, I would think about him and his plight, as I pondered Daddy’s situation, and my God-given assignment as his guardian. My siblings always tease me…”Well, you got the power”, i.e. power-of-attorney. But I can say with all certainty, I wouldn’t wish this power on anyone. I actually avoided it as long as I could. All power ain’t good to you power, ya know?

So, here I sit. On Love’s shoulders, holding on tight. Powerfully torn. Powerfully caught between a rock and reasons that make sense, but don’t.

See, everybody in the family heard him. His thoughts and wishes about growing old and death. Especially his jokes…”If you’ve gotta put me in the livingroom, and prop me up with a kickstand, do it lol! Just don’t let me die. Put me in the rocker on the porch, and start me to movin…just don’t let…..” People, meet my rock.

What a difference constant pain and suffering (brain cancer and renal failure) makes. Now with communication reduced to a mumble, and life confined to a hospital bed, how can I resist wanting to join him as he cries out to God to die. I admit it. There are moments I pray for death too, and in the next breath, please don’t let him go.

Some days I feel death would heal the sadness in his eyes….just lying there miserable and waiting. It would free him from the pain of a simple touch by us. Dad has said, “I’m hurting, I’m aching, I’m tired, I’m miserable, I’m EVERYTHING!” And so… I want to take him off dialysis, which is guaranteed to speed up the dying process. As the doctors explain it….He’s not eating any more anyway….no waste in the blood to clean.

BUT who am I to make that life or death call? Who am I to say when someone has had enough……..when they’ve said “I want to live”….and they’ve said “I want to die”. And why won’t these doctors and nurses quit asking me, in essence, to kill my Daddy. And why can’t I stop seeing more pros than cons in the idea. People, meet my reasons that make sense, but don’t.

One of my older sisters in Cali says, “Girl, God chose you to carry this assignment…you were chosen.” One of my younger sisters (yeah, poppa was a rolling stone) told me last week, “…I trust you girl, you’ll make the right decision.”

This test feels like childbirth. The closest a woman comes to facing death, all by herself. For even with hubby and Mama rootin’ for me…cheering me to push…only I could deliver the baby to light.

I know I’m no Kevorkian, but this weighty position has caused me to see things differently, too.

Hmm…Maybe, just maybe, I’ll see that God chose the right one for this job, and the decision made will be the best one. Maybe I’ll see myself as He does…empowered by the Creator with purpose, even now. I believe in that possibility….Ashe.Selah

Not So Fast, k?

Overnight. Overnight. Overnight.

That’s just about as fast as things are happening with Dad. I cared for him Friday nite. He could walk/shuffle with help. Ate well. Decent movement. Pretty coherent.

Enter 24 hours. Ability to stand – gone. Walking – out of the question. Coherent speech – nada. Good appetite – don’t count on it. Making it to the bathroom in time – huh?  When the hospice nurse paid us a visit by Sunday, and delivered adult diapers….man, I almost lost it. Surely, these evil things are not for MY Daddy (many things can be psychologically draining….reality bending for a person….Changing your parent’s diaper is definitely one of them…I can’t imagine how Pops is feeling.)

Family meetings have been long and tedious…and carry a special weight for me that God’s helping me to bear. Drs. told us the brain tumor was aggressive ….would come back fast. C’mon, not that fast…he hasn’t been back home a month yet. Ahhhhhh!

I guess I’m just nervous…trying to be big sister strong…keep it all together, but needing big Sis. God’s embrace badly. Please, please…..feed me Your grace to swallow whole, and squeeze me just a little tighter…..Tighter.

Welcome Home, Daddy!

Well, in the course of 3 months, we’ve gone from til next time to welcome back. Daddy is back in the ATL..safe and sound. Hmm…sound. It’s totally amazing how cognitive he is…to have his faculty of mind after brain surgery. No, he’s not the Daddy that left here a few months ago…that Daddy was too debonair for a wheelchair lol…But he’s more of a miracle to us than ever before. (That’s the ATL siblings over there…I’m on the right hee hee).

So get this, we arrive at the airport. The plane’s landing at 7:30pm. Wheelchair and banner? Check. Gate passes? Check, but we had to fight TSA for them…they were only going to give one of us a pass, but made an exception. Going through airport security, I practically had to undress lol….never wear these cute belt buckles to the airport.

So us novice wheelchair operators have to remember to look for elevators to navigate through the airport. But since ’someone’ (no names, please) took so long at security, we had to hurry to Dad’s gate. He’s a timely man ok. So the three of us are carting this wheelchair on the escalators to save some time lol. We could read the faces of on-lookers…”Umm, the airport does have elevators, ya know lol”

We finally reach the gate…Whew, it’s 7:35pm. One problem — no Daddy. We’re talking a 4 1/2 hour coast-to-coast flight for a special needs passenger…and he’s not there. We found a flight attendant who had a moment to look up his flight info…his plane landed at 7:15pm….Oh lawd, where is he, who’s rolling him around? “If he’s not here, he’s probably already at baggage claim.”

After all that hustling to get to the gate, Dad was already at baggage claim where we started lol. Two siblings and two friends we’d left back there were able to greet him.

OK…I had to see it. After my hugs and squeezes, I had to look at his head (like I knew what to look for). Last I saw him in Cali, he was all bandaged up. He took of his baseball cap for a sec…Wow, you couldn’t even tell they’d gone in there! Everything was smooth except for a small ridge or two. God blessed him with an excellent neurosurgeon.

After the entire ordeal, we celebrated at Dad’s favorite place right now — IHOP!

That evening at the airport held sooooo much emotion for me. Can’t begin to tell you all the trusting God it took to organize and bring him home. Can’t put into words my moments of agonizing numbness through a painted on smile…’they’ came too..had been yearsssss…God’s grace kept survivor together…nuff said.

I’m here…I’ve landed…into the honorable world of caregiving….knowing only AS I go…..

Days Like This and That

Do your very best…take time out, ladies and gents — for prayer and meditation. You never know how it will prepare you for the unknowns in a given day.

I woke up yesterday, and MADE time (yeah, I was sleepy) for prayer and meditation — early. I lit my candle and shut out the world…connecting with my spirit…releasing tense energies…communing with God. I spoke positive truths to my innerself…I earnestly prayed for others…for some I hadn’t done so like that in a good while. I really miss some folks and pray God’s peace and favor in their lives.

Honestly, I had such a beautiful time with ‘us’, I expected a day of sunshine… skipping through tulips lol…carefree giggles…you get my drift. By mid-morning, I would realize that what I was really preparing for, was a day of great emotion. An opportunity to learn how to embrace what I was feeling…another day of reliance on my Most High burden bearer.

Ever been in a situation where…an answered prayer was gonna cost ya? Sure, it was an earnest prayer…a manifestation you truly desired, but you knew there were consequences? I think the last thing anybody wants for an ill loved one, especially a parent, is to see them suffer. Well, as of yesterday, Daddy has decided not to undergo any treatments whatsoever. Radiation and chemo were sure to deplete his livelihood..sap his strength, mental capacity, and health even more. This was a decision HE had to come to…a decision I prayed He would choose. BUT, doggone it…this decision feels like I turned the other cheek, and reality took another swipe at my face.

We’re all at the crossroad now where we have nothing but God’s divine will and provision…which is pretty scary to my human nature…can I be real?! Little me wishes Daddy could live forever. Big girl me is grateful for his life and wants nothing but joy for him during this transition. Boy did I rain on the inside most of the day. Even lost it at the VA office, checking on Daddy’s benefits…had the rep running up stairs for a box of Kleenex lol…(I guess I can kinda chuckle about that now…that’s just me getting used to my new vulnerable and tender self lol!!)

Well, I’m still here…Every second, minute, hour, day is a blessing. And the more time I invest in prayer and meditation, the more my spirit will outgrow my frail humanity…the more in-tune I will be to the goodness that escapes the human eye. Mama said there’d be days like this and that…but God said He’ll never leave us, and before we even know how to ask for what we need….It is already provided. Ashe.Selah

Strength Without Muscles

That’s the supernatural promise I heard ringing in the my heart over the last week or so. Strength without muscles. I look down at myself in this season of life and see nothing but skin and bones. Whatamy supposed to do with this? So, I cling to this promise for dear life, becoming one with it as He laminates us together.

I never saw it coming. No one in the family did. We made it through our ‘til next time soon‘ farewell. Only, next time came quicker than we thought, and brought with it elements that would forever change our lives.

Daddy has been diagnosed with glioblastoma, an aggressive malignant brain tumor/cancer. He’d only been in L.A. for two months. Before his relocation, he was totally self-sufficient (bathe, cook, clean, feed, drive at age 75). What in the world is going on?! After falling twice at his senior apartments and being taken to the emergency room, a CAT scan and MRI would eventually reveal the reason for his falls. Sure wish I could understand the reason for the reason sometimes…

I’m back from L.A. (I missed home so much…my babies made this beautiful banner for me), having spent the week with Daddy and my sisters and bros. We were all in reaction mode. No time to plan. Taking it all in as we could. We’re all siblings ‘from anotha motha’, but blood no less. Daddy had the tumor removed on Monday, but the report states it will grow back aggressively and his survival time is 6mos to 1 year. BUT, last time I checked His report, Father God was still the custodial guardian of seasons and times. At this point, I just want his final days, months, years to be joyous and happy ones.

I’ve been blessed to have very little experience with the death of loved ones. This is all so new, so awkward, so gut-wrenching, ya know? Right now, I don’t know how to prepare Daddy’s life for rehab and long-term care. Right now, I don’t know how to be the ‘big sis with the answers’ to my younger siblings AND convince the older ones to release the offense (He wasn’t there for me during my childhood either…but we still must HONOR him). Right now, I don’t know how to coordinate with doctors for his radiation treatment…I’m still stuck on “Daddy’s sick?”. Right now, I don’t know how to get him back to GA to be with more family AND arrange for 24-7 nursing care. Right now, I don’t know how we’re going to give Daddy the best AND cover the costs for the best. Right now, I don’t know how to feel…grief overwhelms me without warning and the pressure is unbearable at times.

BUT, right now, I thank God for His GRACE! Grace that is adequate for this time in all of our lives. I am grateful to God as He flexes his muscles when mine feel non-existent, or at best, like a bowl of melted jello. I give Him all my weaknesses and limitations, and He’s replacing them with His strength and provision beyond every ‘right now’. Yes, I boast in the fact that I don’t know. The weaker I become, the stronger the power of Christ can ‘know and grow’ in me. Ashe.Selah