The Secret Keeper

At first, I took offense to his words. I was 30+ pounds heavier at the time, so I guess my head went right to the thighs and booty. (I kinda miss my old booty, but I digress lol). I didn’t show my offense, of course. Struggled hard to keep from wrinkling both the left and right eyebrows. For one, he was Daddy, and respect was first nature — not second. Plus, Daddy’s words always had this underlying meaning. A punchline you never saw coming when it punched you. You never really knew where he was going, until YOU got there. Yeah, we’re nothing alike, right lol?

“You’re gonna have the heaviest casket in the family.”

I don’t remember if he asked me something, and I replied, “sorry, can’t tell ya” or what. But when I realized he meant my ability to take “business” to the grave, from that day on, I knew how serious Daddy was about me being the family “secret keeper”.

I’d hear him on the phone with my siblings, talking about personal issues. He’d say, “Look, what you need to do is tell {my name} your business. She can hold water…you know I can’t. She’ll tell you what you should do, and she’ll never tell me or anybody else.”

I still to this day consider this one of the best compliments Daddy ever gave me. Only now, the more I work on my book, I’m wondering how long I’ll be able to hold the title…

Some of the scenes in the book are shifting. Time shifting. Say, where there was a flash back, I think I need to bring the reader into it present tense..and vice versa. I’ve also been doing some heavy research for the doctor character in the book, yeah, i.e. therapist. Being that I have no formal training in psychology, psychotherapy, counseling, and the like, I want this character to really know her stuff. She must be as awesome and dynamic as another character will need her to be…

Funny. Guess what? This is my 201st post here at Ashe.Selah, my anonymous footprint in the blogosphere, where I tell magnanimous secrets. How crazy. Who’dve thunk I’d still be here in ‘08, that anybody anywhere would give a hoot about my life and thoughts. Oops, I digressed again, didn’t I.

So, here I am researching characters, and I’m uncovering myself. Finding answers and reasons for this intense desire to disclose, come out of hiding with all my junk (even if I’m cloaked in a pseudonym). Man, what happened to that secret-keepin’, heavy casket chic?

Well, she kinda stumbled upon the mental, emotional, psychological benefits of — Writing. Let’s be clear folks, before stuff hit the fan, I wasn’t a diarist, a journalist, no pad and pen beside my bed. I had zero desire to write, not alone a passion. Fast forward to the present…I’m blogging, writing a book. Where’d that come from? Why did I gravitate to writing, of all things?

And lordy, don’t talk content. The secrets I’ve held for a lifetime wrapped neatly in fiction. The book I wish someone would have handed me when I was reaching up to scratch the bottom. Because I’ve gone through such a butt-naked transformation lol, I get lectured all the time….”there’s a difference between transparency, and uncovering” or “tell this part, but don’t tell that part.” No, I don’t want to do all the work it takes to write a book, and end up regretting it cos I “told too much” or someone says “uh huh, I know you were talking about me/them.” Truth is….I care, I don’t want to hurt anybody (esp. family)…..but I just don’t care enough to keep it bottled up inside anymore. The Great Secret Keeper…is fading fast….I dunno…

For now, I’m really digging Pennebaker’s research…why do we keep secrets, how do we categorize secrets, how does secret-keeping affect our stress levels, our health? I believe there’s some truth to the positive correlation between writing about traumatic or emotional experiences, and mental and physical health.

Who was that chic that said, “Secrets are like kisses. Feels better when you give them away.” Cover your ears up there, Daddy. It was…Me. Ashe.Selah