You Almost Killed My Daughter!

Gotta chance to attend a pretty cool party this past weekend…GNO baby (girl’s nite out)! It was my first outing in about a year. Feeling much stronger, workin’ my cuteness, I was ready to come out and play a little…ready to be around folks. Saw many faces I hadn’t seen in ages…some professional acquaintances, others more personal connections — for instance, an old friend’s mother. Now, this friend I speak of, let’s call her Amy…we’ve had no verbal in over a year, but we used to be tighter than tight…she was an extension of my family…even called my Daddy “Daddy” (Amy and her mom sent kind condolences when Dad passed in January).

When I arrived at the restaurant, there were only two seats available…one holding a sweater, the other empty by Amy’s mom. “Hey!…is that seat taken?” No response from moms, but another chic says, “Sure girl, sit here.”

I greet moms, we have a little small talk, but something is different. Ever feel tension and strain, but nobody’s touching you? Ever read body language so clear…like the words “I really don’t want to be around you” are etched on the person’s arm in fluorescent colors? Last I knew, moms and I were cool. We’ve spoken to each other since Amy…even had her over to the house for dinner and hang time. No need to change our relationship because Amy and I aren’t close anymore, right?

Background. It would take a book (lol) to give the full history of me and Amy. So, let’s try some key bullet points for the sake of time and space:

- I loved Amy like Jonathan loved David. We were the best of friends, shared some of our deepest stuff, supported each other, cried, laughed with each other for years.
- Not only was she family, Amy was an extension of me to my kids.
- The pattern for any misunderstanding?…If I expressed, “Amy, I really didn’t appreciate it when you…” or “Chic, that ticked me off when…”, her response was not one of ‘hear out’ or ‘work through’, but a consistent “Well, I’ll just disconnect myself from you…” or “I don’t like your tone, but I see it’s intentional…you know I have no problem cutting you off…” My response? Most times, I backed down for fear of losing my friend (remember that fear of abandonment I mentioned in the last post?…an ugly ‘lil something)
- A misunderstanding, involving her moms and half of a story, was the final straw. She stormed out of my house pretty much with a “hava nice life” attitude.
- What did I do? {Covering eyes in shame} Well, for a year I did everything I knew to win our friendship, closeness back….called, sent letters, encouraging words, apologies (for what?), cards, flowers, cash (hundreds…yep). All received thankfully, but it didn’t fully ease her pissocity, or awaken an interest to really reconnect, start over. A year, people. Energy wasted. Time gone.
- I finally woke up…we’re either going to be girls, or totally disconnect on all points (didn’t she already say that, silly).
- In the end, she didn’t budge, and neither did I. U wanna disconnect? I let go. Disconnection from me caused little discomfort. However (key point, here), she wanted to maintain the same closeness she had before with my children. Huh?
- During these rough times, both of us were experiencing serious life storms (independent of us), which could have taken us out emotionally and physically.

Now, let’s return to GNO….

Mom prepares to leave the party early. During our small talk, she told me how she had just gotten back in town, was tired, etc. Before grabbing her things to leave, she puts her hand on my arm – the lambasting begins, venom flows. “I want you to know something.  You almost KILLED my daughter (last year)! She loved them babies and YOU just TOOK them from her. It was too much for her, liked to kill her. She was already going through <insert emotional challenges, critical surgery>…she almost DIED…she didn’t deserve what you did on top of everything else…well, I really hope it was worth it to you. Those babies didn’t have to be a part of you guys’ issues….YOU almost KILLED her!”

Folks, I cannot explain the range of emotions that ran through body. A painful numbness entered me. On one hand, I felt sooo bad for Amy’s pain, her ordeal. The corners of my mouth started to quiver and my throat got tight. Man, I can’t start all this crying…this was my girl’s party. My first effort to socialize in a year. Happy happy, joy joy, right? For a brief moment, I started to internalize what moms was projecting to me. Hold up, wait a minute. Hadn’t I already cried enough about Amy? And now her mom has the audacity to try to blame me, scapegoat me for Amy’s sorrows..for almost killing her?..someone I loved as much as I did (and do) and tried so hard to make things right?

People, when God heals you from zero self-worth, pride disguised as self-love, needing others because they’re more valuable than you…He means for it to stick! For me? Even Especially when it comes to Amy, my benediction of chasing folks and judging my worth by if others stay. Heck, I matter, too!

Suddenly, a woman that I cared for and held to such high esteem became just like any other enemy to my inner harmony, my balance. I put my face two inches from hers and said, “those babies ARE a part of me….and where were you when I was suffering <insert emotional and health challenges>, you think Amy’s pain, suffering, her wishes trump everyone else’s?…I’m supposed to let her walk over me for the sake of who you and everyone else thinks she is?” To which she responded, “I’m just being a mother”. “Well, I’m a mother too!!! Ain’t nobody going to treat me as they will, can take me or leave me, and expect me to nurture their relationship with MY children!…there’s two sides to every story!” Her response, “well, I’m not going to get into all that…I don’t know all of what happened between ya’ll”. What the?

Approx. a month after total disconnection, I found out that Amy had solicited a mutual friend of ours to give my kids messages and hugs from her (of course, Amy didn’t tell the friend our dynamics had changed…might have defeated the purpose, ya think?). I called Amy on it, she apologized, forgiveness granted — but trust severely bruised (why sneak thru the back window when I’m holding the front door open?). I wonder what moms would say to this (no plans to tell her, though)…”Well, you drove her to desperation, and left her with no other choice.” I wonder if that would have been my fault too. Gimme a break.

If I had to do it all again, there’s not much, if anything, I would change about my decision. I won’t allow anybody who willfully disconnects and cuts me off to have personal influence over my children. Madness.

I’m curious…esp. parents out there. Ever experience something like this? What would you have done, felt, decided in any of this drama (and yes, I know, Amy’s side of things matters too)?