Let’s Talk Surgery…

How ’bout we don’t, and say we did?!

The fam has nothing but good intentions. And I Love them. I understand they’re concerned about their girl. Heck, I live my health every second of the day, so believe me I understand…and I’m concerned too.

But I also understand that things can, and often do, get worse before they get better. I understand that God heals through surgery. But I also understand that God still heals miraculously. I understand that there are medical breakthroughs and a variety of options for me. But I also understand that I have the option to wait on God. I understand that more damage could occur the longer I wait. But I also understand that God seldom moves in the time we think He should. And sometimes, by the time He shows up, conditions are hopeless.

Now, don’t get me wrong, I’m not trying to be called out the grave…shuffling to the grave door wrapped in white linen. I’m just…..can I keep it really real…SCARED TO DEATH of surgery!!! Why?

I had to break it down to my Dad…tell him the whole story from beginning to end. (How in the world did I end up being a statistic is beyond me lol). Basically, I’ve lived through “anesthesia awareness”, where patients under general anesthesia become aware of the surgery, but appear to be unconscious (the whole scene is in the book). Only 0.1-0.2% of surgical patients per year experience awareness.

So to ever ever ever get up on anybody’s operating table again…Man, you’ve got a fight on your hands like trying to steal mama bear’s cub! I hear you fam…tell the doc about your awareness beforehand…yada yada.

Understand this…I just want to stand on Faith right now. I want to continue my holistic regimen. I want to heal divinely, naturally by God. I want to put healthy food in my body, and feed my mind beautiful thoughts. I just want to rest right here for a while. Is that cool? To rest in the arms of the Creator for a sec, and just breathe His breath…let Him resuscitate my health…and grow me in balance of mind, body, and spirit. If surgery’s to happen, I’ll know it…may not like it…but I’m in tune.

For now…just for today…the forecast calls for zero anesthesia….=)!

Say It, Stephen!

Traffic or study hall? Decisions decisions. Study hall wins, so I make my way early to summer camp pickup #1, dodging the afternoon rush hour. I’ll park here. Shade from the adjacent tree covers the parking space from head to toe. Nice. Let’s read.

He’s right, you know. When I read these words in the book, Truth flashed me a toothy grin. One tooth missing. It was as if the sentence was written in secret code, and only cracked by those with the decoder ring. Some will zoom right passed it. Not me. Not the missing tooth.

“Writing is not life, but I think that it could be a way back to life.”

Never been a huge Stephen King fan. But if there’s one cat that can teach you a thing or two about writing fiction — he’s got the job on lock.

His sentence encapsulates my Love for and attraction to Writing…Back to Life. Back to the discovery of me. Still beautifully wrapped, just as the Creator intended me to find me. A treasure to behold, under the sole streetlight on Writing Lane.

Six Months and Counting…

I was thinking recently about this blog, my life, my writings. And it dawned on me… “Hey, Ashe.Selah is now six months old!” Woo hoo!

I remember my first post, thinking this would be a place just for me…speaking into a loud mic in an empty room (with all due respect to my beloved echo). Who would pass by the door, stop, and listen? And better yet, who could relate to the ramblings, the laughter, the pain, the celebration — this potpourri called my Life.

Truth is…I’m having a ball in here!! With just me being me. And your company? What? That’s a strawberry on top (preferred to cherries lol)! I’m grateful to all those who lend me their eyes…those who have left feedback, encouragement, or simply a “get a grip, girl”.

Ashe.Selah is a beautiful resource in my Life right now…a tool that will bloom into so much more in time. Counting on…

It’s Time to…

Love me! The clock struck, and my innerself didn’t gently tap me today…she almost put me in a headlock. And every drop of Love I poured on myself rocked me to the core. Spirit knows when you need to shower yourself. When you need to build up your personal reserve of sweet somethings.

What? You haven’t played my Love Game before? Take a read, and try it for yourself. Your self will appreciate every second =)!

Scenery Switch

Sometimes, that’s all it takes. A new outlook. A shift in focus. A focus on shifting…your environment, your surroundings. How ever you slice it, a change in scenery can shock you out of a slump…jump start your progress on a beautiful path…

I had writer’s block for a week and a half. Felt like an eternity…I’m accustomed to working on the book every day. Had to step away and break a sec. I think this particular “hard part” is almost over, though. Remember, I’ve shifted the book to fiction, so I had to go back and lay the groundwork of character development, scenes, plot, etc. What a challenge!

So, what’s up with the scenery shift? Well, I simply changed the look-n-feel of my writing area on the screen. Sorry, not rocket science. Simple. Did the trick. I made a template that resembles a 6×9 novel page, and started writing “into” my book. The words, the scenes, the plot all started to appear on the page, as if I were just reader, not author. How cool!

Same letters, same words I’d stared at for weeks — funny how they came alive when I “saw” them living on a novel page.

Can this same scenery switcheroo work in other areas of life? Could we discover newness and/or revive life pursuits, relationships, self-improvements….just by changing the way we view what we see?

I believe so, and I’ll be on the “lookout” more often for ways to shift my focus for the better. Ashe.Selah

Disturbers of Harmony

Those notes (people or events) that disrupt the general flow of life’s chosen chord. My C-E-G was doing fine. Until A flat showed up on the scene. Took the flow a whole ‘nother way. But in A flat’s defense, was this the note chosen to reveal to me the beauty of dissonance? Sure, it was unexpected, new, different…but was there value to be recognized? Can I pick the notes apart and appreciate a smaller sum of the whole?

Or is it that dissonance is in itself a form of harmony…not actually “disturbing” anything, but waiting for open ears to really “hear” it…feel it…get it.

God, as I grow, blossom, heal, improve, LIVE…help me to be clear about what I hear. Is it harmony, or a hot mess?! A beautiful dissonant chord to enhance my life’s current theme song…the intro to a new theme song…or are these renegade notes tampering with your harmonious simplicity for me? (Even then, You sing over me…a song that resolves all conflicts.) There’s a time for C-E-G, and a time to freely explore dissonance…what time do You have, Creator? Ashe.Selah

Words Get in the Way

sometimes…
words get in the way
blocking our view
robbing feelings of focus
and obstructing the justice
of giving each other precisely
what we rightfully have coming to us.

words have their place
but when they crowd our space
emotions cry for freedom
chained behind nouns and prepositions
as we try to assemble the
perfect mix of syllables
letter by letter onto center stage.

K’s arms are raised
waiving down I and the S twins
when we could just begin
to show, not tell
act, not yell
though taste can’t smell
and touch is, well..
my favorite orator,
each sense has its own beautiful language
minus words and phrases
which totally amazes me in that
they say exactly what we were thinking
we receive every signal
without interpreter speaking
and putting words on top of the moment.

feel what i’m saying
or did the words get in the way
again?

Copyright (c) 2007 AsheSelah.com. All rights reserved.

Hubbynapped!

He thinks he wants to be surprised. He doesn’t like surprises. Why? Because you have to do riight lol…you have to submit to surprises. The stubborn types aren’t usually into heavy submission or being controlled. Matters not. I’ll be home in 30min…You’ve got one hour to get yourself ready, pack a small bag — or it’s the duck tape and hand cuffs (hmmm…that’s another blog altogether lol).

This is how the scene played out today, as Father’s Day came three days early. I practically had to threaten my hubby to get ready for his surprise. I’d been planning and scheming all week, trying to find a 3-hour gap in his schedule…no studio sessions, no music to produce, no artists swinging by…Ahh gotcha! He was totally taken off guard, and taken to my friends at the most soothing spa in town for the Father’s Day Special — massage, body wrap, and facial.

Funny how we think the world won’t survive without us for two, three hours. Though I cracked up when they told me “Girl, he was back there trying to check voicemail messages”, I’m still glad he gotta chance to get away and just be and do him. He’ll always be a hero in my eyes..he’s taken care of me and the kids like a true champion..consistently!…and has been a lifesaver to me in more ways than ten.

I’m grateful for our union and how he’s a real, present, hands-on Dad…cook…grocery shopper…house cleaner…such a rare gem! I’m thankful the kids have something I could never have told them about from experience…growing up WITH their Dad. I don’t take this blessing for granted. Thanks Father God!

Call Off the Dogs!

…All of them! The St. Bernards on a search and rescue mission. The cute poodle who is totally out of her element…to the humble hound dog in hot pursuit of a scent you created. If you create it, you will search for it. If I create it, I take pleasure in gifting you with it…hmmm.

I started this post months ago, after hearing these very words in my spirit. It’s been sitting here in my drafts ever since pain unearthed a beautiful revelation of me. Beautiful because God is willing to Love me through my transformation, and He feeds me gentleness and grace to sustain me through challenging moments. My eyes have brushed over its title…”oh yeah, I need to get back to that one”, but it remained dormant. Until today. When I caught myself marching the dogs in to resume the search…my scratch and sniff sticker showing signs of gentle abrasions.

I’ve both heard and read that doing the same thing…expecting different results…borders on the insane. What about a different flavor of the same thing…or how ’bout a slight variation of the same thing…You’re probably not this hard-headed, but say it with me anyway, “It all leads to 99 ways to reach the same deadend lol….let it go!”

You were ordered to call off the dogs, girl. The intense searches that take me nowhere fast and leave me frustrated. Is there anything I need…He doesn’t already know about? Like my needs are savvy enough to catch God fulfilling them off guard..ha! Call off the quest….looking for answers to life’s questions in the recesses of my own mind. Save the energy…exploring places unfit to hold the treasures I’m to discover and enjoy……is it here, am I close?…can you say cold…colder…you’re freezing lol!

God, Creator of the whole Universe is in Love with me. His patience unwavering, His guidance impeccable. Everything I need, many of my wants are perfectly aligned with the path chosen for me. I am provided for with nothing but His very best..in the most ideal and favorable time…something my best hounds could never pull off.

Go back to your bones…I was just playin’…Whew, that was a close call =D!

Mother(Over)load

Ever have those moments, where at the end of the day you’re left wondering, “What was it all about?” “What am I to learn from this?” Well, today is one of those days. What am I supposed to do with the past 12 hours?

The day actually started off with subtle excitement. Awards Day at the school for our son. “Mom, Dad, are you coming today?” He’s excited. We assured him we’d take off and be in the house. We arrive on time, get our seat, grab a program…We knew he didn’t make the straight A list, we knew he didn’t make honor roll (darn those two ‘C’s)….Ah here we go, Most Improved. I see….hmm…list of about 12 students. As my eyes scrolled down the list –no son. As a matter of fact, he was no where on the program at all. What?!

So…what is the criteria for a ‘most improved’ student….He brought D’s up to a B in Math. Check! Teachers and counselors had him slated for summer school, for fear of not passing the standardized test…heck, we had to fill out his “summer school” paperwork early, to ensure he’d have a seat lol. Passed standardized testing against the odds. Check! Not nearly the calls and notes from his teacher…conduct must have improved too. Check!

We finally saw him (he must have been sitting behind us) at the end of the awards program…long face, sad eyes. I KNOW he worked hard to pull all of that off, surely he had earned something! Before you know it, with parents and teachers everywhere, I’m off to the teacher’s lounge, looking for tissue to wipe my eyes. Couldn’t help it, man. My heart hurt so bad for him. By the time me and hubby reached his classroom, his head was on the desk, tears soaking his notebook paper.

After encouraging him, telling him how proud we were, I think that’s when hubby decided we’d better leave. I guess he saw 1999 in my eyes. I didn’t feel like I was going to do anything crazy, but he knows how passionate I am about my kids..hurt them — it’s hell to pay. (I talked to my mom later, she too was thankful hubby was there…something about saving her money and my bail). I think I was hurt that the teacher didn’t recognize 1) his improvements, and 2) how hard they were for him to accomplish. Was she blinded by his conduct (which we later find out was not so great), or was this a slap in the face to the parents who had HER in the Principal’s office in January explaining her constant punitive attitude towards our son? Waita minute, she dodged that meeting and we met with her at a later date. Hmmm.

Now before we go into how hard teachers’ jobs are these days, let me assure you — we recognize that. We’ve seen it with our own eyes. And, our son is not a total angel. But neither is he a total hell-raiser either. We were appalled to discover her moving him to a desk in the back of the room, off from the rest of the class, was not until he got his act together….But lasted the entire first half of 3rd grade! Hello! (We missed this one terribly) What’s up with the solitary confinement! What incentives was he given to move back to general population…What?! So we met with the principal to get him out of that corner, treat him as a rightful member of the class, stop the “Class…., and you too, A” mentality, which by now the other students had picked up on….Good grief.

The deal after the Principal’s meeting was this: “If you have problems or issues out of our son, CALL US anytime! We want to partner with you…you give him a good education, we’ll get him back in line if he’s out of order, disruptive, whatever the problem may be.” Cool.

Here we are, two days from the end of the school year, with a couple of calls in 5 months, and you’ve got a problem with his behavior..really? And we were supposed to know that how? Where’s the calls? “Well, I thought by the time I call you, he could just sit down, get it together, and it’ll be over.” Is that all it was anyway, “A’s talking…A’s out of his seat” Are you teaching plants or 8 and 9 year olds? Geesh. But that’s not what we agreed upon, now was it? Even if the calls were too tedious, I told her, 1) You should have never agreed to do it, and 2) where were the notes you coulda sent home…how ’bout an e-mail? “Well, I guess I’ll do that with parents next year.” And then she stood silently in front of me, like that’s all I’m going to say…try again next year.

My emotions are coming back together slowly. Part of me is disappointment in the teacher. I feel she gave up on my son, he wasn’t important enough to her to keep the bargain…help us help her, and him. I’m disappointed in our son’s conduct — the (very) old “is that how we teach you to act…” …not getting the truth of what happens at school…the WHOLE truth. Guess I had bought into too many stories about being falsely accused (“A” did it…easy fall guy…when he really didn’t). I want to show my babies I believe them and in them, when the world doesn’t. Alas, to everything, there is a balance lol. And a lot of discerning.

As for me, all I could hear today was WIP!…Work in Progress. I don’t know what hubby saw in me…I was too emotionally charged to care at the time…but I know I gotta keep dying…keep old, ugly, turn-it-out-in-a-minute me buried at all costs. Itsa daily death, doggonit…daily!